A Sunday

A sunday, a minute before half three
After buying tobacco and learning what a lighter is in Italian
It's a day or two after seeing the red flags
With the Xs and the white stars, stale gas, lots of green
But still, you can find hope in the most simple of human exchanges

And I remember that just recently i fell in love
Well not recently, but exactly a year ago
A year ago is recent, in 25 years of somehow being alive

I thought I had fallen in love before this recent event
I had felt it before
Confusion, love, pain
But not like this

Exactly a year ago I fell in love for the first time
Carol Bruce cutout was singing to me when she said
You don't know what love is
And I didn't
And then I was in it
It felt like a lifetime
And then it died and
I died too
Many times
And recently again

In all those deaths they're worried that I will lose myself
In the black pit parts of me forever gone
But they needn't worry
I will die many more times
I will die and see u all again the next day
With new thoughts and new feelings

I fell in love
For the first time
Exactly a year ago

Everything has a thousand meanings, ramifications, connections
Memories, smells, images, sounds
All and all and all and
Whispers moten from the back

I was in love
But I'm not anymore
This right here is death once again
But I will see you the next day
With new thoughts and new feelings

And now, while others make their sourdough yoga exercise gardening
I am
Here in my room
Scraping together the fragments of myself
Trying to stay balanced, trying to stay sane
Not breaking apart
Not losing myself in self-hatred and this hatred toward others

Sometimes I succeed
And sometimes I don't
But that's just the way it is

I used to be sad
Nearly in some kind of nice, cute, non-harming way but
Now I'm angry and scared of
What this anger will do to me and my friends
This planet, this world
I might fall in this dark pit they feared at last

But then I get still
But then I get silent
And then I remember that one should not do harm to oneself
One should not do harm to oneself
A spiral of pain and guilt doesn't do much
Nurture the microsystems, constellations
Nurture your spirit and we shall grow together from there
Until everyone has understood who we really are and are to be

I fell in love for the first time
Exactly a year ago

But I will see you the next day
With new thoughts and new feelings
New thoughts and new feelings