Two Prophetic & Haunting New Zealand Songs Played Live on Ukulele

So I wanted to play what I have been referring
To on this tour as "The New Zealand Trilogy"
My history with this place is pretty weird and coincidental
And synchronicity has visited me quite a
Few times when I've been touring in this country
I was here some years ago, again at the end of a tour, tired
And I was supposed to play a show in Christchurch
And I came, as I did this time, up to Napier to visit my friend Kya
Just for a couple of days, to take a few moments off
And then I was at the airport in Napier
About to board a flight to Christchurch
And all of a sudden, all of the planes were cancelled
Because there was an earthquake
And it turns out that the venue that I was supposed
To be playing that night in Christchurch was gone
And had I been in that venue eight hours later
I would have been, with all of the people in the venue
Very possibly killed
And a lot like this round, it's just really strange
The coincidences that happen to you as
You're moving through the world, and touring
And on another tour, right around the same time
I had written this song, this spontaneous song about Tasmania
It was basically a song about pubic hair
And then a week or so later, I found myself touring here
And someone made a snide comment saying
"Oh, you wrote a song for the Australians, what about us?
We don't ever get a song."
And I was like, I'm so tired. I'm at the end of tour
Don't make me do it, but there I was backstage
In a little club in Wellington, thinking oh, this poor country
I should write a song for them too
So I did
This is that song
But it takes on a really strange new meaning
When you consider where I wound up nine years later
I'm gonna play it for you now, and you'll
Understand in a second, it goes like this

New Zealand, New Zealand
You caught me on an awful day
My little life is all fucked up
My psyche is in disarray
New Zealand, New Zealand
I wish I could enjoy you more
I wish I had more time to see
Your cliffsides and your blackened shores
New Zealand, New Zealand
I don't know why I tour this way
Trapped inside an aeroplane
And twittering the scenery
New Zealand, New Zealand
I feel like shit, what can I say?
My period is six days late
My pubic hair is turning gray
But I don't believe in the beauty standard
And there's no way that I'm pregnant
So it's technically okay

Everything is so beautiful here
The people on Cuba Street drinking their beer
I wish I could stay here and never go home
I wish I could be just like Holly Hunter in The Piano
And not have to talk to anyone
Even though there's technically nothing wrong with my voice
And just play piano
And make love to hot local boys

New Zealand, New Zealand
You caught me at the end of tour
My psyche is collapsing
And I cannot do this any more
New Zealand, New Zealand
My song is coming to an end
I hope you have enjoyed it
And I hope I get my period
I hope I haven't grossed you out
But that's what you get when you ask me
To write a song about your country in twenty minutes

Thank you
So that was that master work
And then I thought it would be funny
In mid-March when I was playing these songs
I was touring in Auckland and Christchurch
And in both cases I almost nearly cancelled the show
Because of what was going on with Covid
And you can imagine, this was March 14th, 15th
Things were just very strange
And the venue didn't really know what to do
And I didn't really know what to do
And the people in the crowd didn't really know what to do
And everyone was like, "We'll use hand sanitizer, it'll be great!"
Looking back, we were just very lucky
I had just flown from Melbourne
I could have well been carrying Covid and spitting on everyone
But that didn't happen, so I dodged a bullet

But I thought it would be funny if I played a new song
Which I'll play for you
Kind of as a time capsule
Kind of an extension of that song
But updated for what was happening on whatever it was
March 14th
To the people of Auckland
And it went like this

Hello Aotearoa
Good evening, kia ora
I am from a country that's far, far away
And my country's been having a very bad day

There is news of a virus
There are racists and violence
Yes, the crisis and climate's not mild
And our leader's a psychopath child

But now I'm here in Auckland
And now things could get awkward
If the news keeps on going this way
It could be that I'll be forced to stay

But as long as I can send
For my son and my husband
Who are over the Tasman
Well, things won't be that bad, then
I think this is a really great place
To watch the fall of the human race

You've got fantastic coffee and beer
Yes, if the shit's gonna hit the fan
New Zealand, I think I'll stay here