Dick in My Nightstand

Where does the time go?
Thanks for the nachos and two-for-one tacos
Good thing tequila does what it does
I didn't catch feelings but I caught a buzz

Yeah, I see you talking, I'm over here smiling
'Cause I'm fantasizing about riding my Chevy off into the sun
As soon as this bowl of guacamole is gone
'Cause there's something better waiting at home

I got a dick in my nightstand
I can use with my left hand
When I'm alone it always treats me right
Never too tired on a Friday night
Some girls just want a good man with a good job and a good plan
Picket fence with a little white house on a hill with some nice land
But me, I got a dick in my nightstand, ooh yeah

All of my friends think that I need affection
But I found perfection
It doesn't talk when I'm trying to read
It doesn't poke me when I'm trying to sleep

I got a dick in my nightstand
I can use with my left hand
When I'm alone it always treats me right
Never too tired on a Friday night
Some girls just want a good man with a good job and a good plan
Picket fence with a little white house on a hill with some nice land
Me, I got a dick in my nightstand

It doesn't get mad at me
When I wanna watch Grey's Anatomy
It won't piss on the toilet seat
Or drag me to an Applebee's

I got a dick in my nightstand
I can use with my left hand
When I'm alone it always treats me right
Never too tired on a Friday night
Some girls just want a good man with a good job and a good plan
Picket fence with a little white house on a hill with some nice land
Oh, but me, I got a dick in my nightstand
You know I do

I see you talking, I'm over here smiling
'Cause I'm fantasizing about riding my Chevy off into the sun
As soon as this bowl of guacamole is gone
Dammit, the batteries are dead