A still hopeful love letter: MOTHER IV

Here we are
Empty womb, incision scars
Waiting rooms, I tried so hard
Turned to Jesus, pills, then cards to make it right

I look down, I'm making rust
And there's not even enough
To tempt the hungriest of gods to take the sacrifice

And my friends all bounce their babies
Say "what's meant to be, it will be."
And I feel the fury rising in my throat
I stroke it gently, and it melts
At the touch of a hand meant for someone else
A dream that lives inside me somewhere very deep and old

Oh, I've lived a thousand lives
And been a mother every time
Why not this time?
Why not this life?
I scrub gravestones, till they gleam
Cause at least ghosts means there's company
An empty house can't even be called haunted

It's only what I wanted
Just a tiny little thing that I wanted

Here you are
Smiling up from yellow flowers
On the playlist in my car
In the wind between stars
Waiting to be new
I try not to cry
At airport parents bleary-eyed
Each carrying a sleeping child
A goodbye from our other lives

But who'll tell you?
They can't make me break it to you

You know I've lived a thousand lives
And been a mother every time
Why not this time?
Why not this life?
And I'll scrub gravestones, till they gleam
Cause at least ghosts means there's company
An empty house can't even be called haunted

And despair's a tricky beast
Tracked me home after the procedure
I pitied her, and fed her
Let her sleep with me in bed
And I loved her tearing down the hall
I loved her ripping up my walls

Yes, I loved her
Cause it echoed something else I thought was dead
I loved her, she was better than remembering
Tiny footsteps

I've lived a thousand lives
And been a mother every time
Why not this time?
Why not this life?
I'll scrub gravestones, till they gleam
Cause at least ghosts means there's company
An empty house can't even be called haunted

So I'll close my wearied eyes
And return to every other life
When I was your mother
Or you where mine
Let those crumbling gravestones gleam
Cause I'd like to see them try to keep you from me
You who haunt me
I've wanted
I'm alive cause I've wanted
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm