ALL I HAVE

Call it out
Say it once
All my time, waiting on
All I have
It's all I have
Call it out
Say it once
All my time, waiting on
All I have
It's all I have
Scared I'll die from this lifestyle
Sleep deprived, my eyes red, too much caffeine, my emotions hostile
Maybe I'll die like my grandfather
Heart jammed, face-up on the living room carpet
Shed no tears, my eyes stayed dry
I still loathe myself for it
Scared if I have grandkids they'll feel the same
Not from my lack of involvement
But in the way when I was 16 I felt that visiting was a pain
My father's father did not die in vain
My father's father put his life on the line when he was younger than me
I can't even get out of bed most days, and my biggest struggle is what I eat
I felt shallow and cold, sitting by you on the floor
I am only here because you lost your son, he was maybe two
Face-down in the water, my brother's middle name, we owe our lives to you
I was born from death, my dad was too
The answer to loss, we are cut from its cloth
I keep a reminder around my neck, so everyday I think of you
To make up for tears I did not cry, after work on September nights
I know you surround me, so I do this for you
I didn't even say anything at the funeral
Call it out
Say it once
All my time, waiting on
All I have
It's all I have
Call it out
Say it once
All my time, waiting on
All I have
It's all I have
I think I figured out how I died in my past life
Flooded out the pleasure centre and half of my brain like
"Who cares if I die young? Already used so much life"
I pray to saint max that I make it a long life
(Pray to saint max I don't join the club)
Young gemini, maybe I was the twins before I met the twins
Child survival, maybe I was early to split in two
I knew when I was 10, this wasn't hormones, wasn't regular programming
This was something alone, addictive personality so damning
Some corner of my brain latched onto a chemical
(Onto a chemical)
Set my life on a course that I would hide from everybody
Professional liar, and all the while, school telling me I had a reservation in hell
But I could cancel if I confessed what was wrong with myself (wrong with myself)
I was eleven
Confused at the concepts, went from blank slate, to sinner, to devil incarnate
Then blank slate again
I was eleven
Gemini divided, my blue eyes already split in two
Years later, peace talking, a child and wolf in my centrifuge
I never really healed, I only postponed
Built up walls around that divide, a guest in my own home
Felt that maybe playing it dumb would leave me happier than doing what was right
Just existed for two years, got fed up, and turned on the light
And I see red