March1997

Shut the gate
Close the door
We're all a little older now I'm sure

And Mom said
Don't go drinking that alcohol
The voids will sink into the walls
Of your bloodstream babe I'm addicted to you
You're all I need and it kills me that we won't speak like this after two am
So pour me a shot I'll live again

Shut the gate
Close the door
We're all a little older now
I'm sure

And kiss my cheek before it goes
I'll miss you my friend
But by the AM dear
God only knows
Won't you listen
To me for a fucking second
I crave your heartbeat like a nicotine addiction
Cocaine
The friction
The long nights
The rifts in the pavement
I am drinking

The truth always sinks in at this time
Won't you fucking listen
You're the ghosts
You're the voids
My souls been trying to fill since that night
But I was never taught to fill holes babe

So I told my friend Katherine
That the one
Conclusion I had to the scripture of you and I
Was the fact that our hearts could never fully understand each other
Fully
Fully
I mean would we
Go back if we had the chance to love again
I don't think love is the answer
But the question

But it was never my choice to lose you dear friend
Sometimes I get high and think of us again but even then
I'll drink myself to sleep
Fast asleep
I'll lock you into the brain cells of my memory
You see the demons inside my being like to consume me
The key is my trauma and my awkward
Bruise my bones
Most nights I find myself there
Alone

And my friends say it isn't myself I should blame
Most days I claim the rights to victim rather than survivor
I tried
I lost
You got her
By your side
And I mean that's fine
But I still think of us sometimes

I try to not think of us sometimes
You see I tried to trace the maps back to when
I was your everything
And one last thing
I wish it never cut me open
Just to let the trauma bleed again my friend

Like the unstitched wallpaper to my ending
Which pulsates and foams madly at my mouth
It hurts my head
In desolate sentences
And the loneliness is the one void
That aches
The fucking same

I wish I could erase your name it's stuck
In the cells of my brain
And I said Katherine
That's so fucking stupid
To write that I was yours once
Maybe it was true
Or maybe could have been too
I'm sorry I'm not even sure which
Tense to fucking use
Cus
Most nights
Most nights
Most nights

I still think of you

And you're free to go now
You're free to leave
I'm alright alone but
I'm not ok here
I left pieces of you dear
Inside the pictures we always swore we'd finish
We never finished

I left you in that same picture
We painted in March of the first year
I left you in that same picture
Cus I know you're happy with her
Oh

You're free to go now
You're free to leave
I'm alright alone now
I'm free to be now

Said shut the gate
Lock the door
We're all a little older now I'm sure