Self-Portrait

These days I try to treat the beat like a bloodletting
Melodic the confessional, divulging all my transgressions
My thoughts heavy, my past present
My my mind steady
Map out a path and watch me gas it like it's unleaded
I put together all the words of my spirit and let it vibrate
Do it now, if only for the time's sake
After all these years I still ain't learn how to rest
At many points I've stumbled along the way
Retracing the steps

Might have to drop a couple tapes that paint a checkered past
So I can find the strength inside myself to finally laugh
But truthfully, it's probably just another mask
Clarity helped me realize I was half the demons that I had
I'm still a man when I got tears in my eyes
I know I'm still as strong a leader when I pass on my pride
I know I'm still as tender even when they force me fight
I mean
I was a child when they forced me to fight

Be lying if I said ain't like the feeling seeing enemy bleeding
Immediately after letting his motherfucking mouth run
Always found it funny how they'd pop then ask me how come
Still with it now but I just pray for better outcomes
I mean, I mighta stole your phone or your wallet
I mean
Like damn Ellen, tell your momma I'm sorry
I mean she never did forgive me when I creased up your homie
I was just tryna cuff his phone because he act like I'm below him
Condescending, ask me what it's like
Like fuck it - I'ma show him
I was tryna scare him, I was never gonna blow it
Looking back at all my trouble adjusting
The fragmented moments of time notched out
Rustling the feathers of my mentors
Anybody speaking on me getting sent for
I just had to climb and catch a glimpse what I was meant for
Saltwater flooding my eyes
Pressure on temples
07 to now to now
A couple things left me resentful

But I had to let em' go to keep mind in status of temple
Emotional beacon pisces, inherit emotions likely
But I'd pass out exhausted at the passing of peers
It's way too early for these shedding of tears
But I was standing so close that it felt like a shockwave
Statue of limitations, I was gone before the cops came
The feeling of your death reverberated the pain stayed
Image of light leaving your eyes stay with me to my grave
Secrets that I had to keep
Keeping the devil at bay
Them years I tried to block it but the memories vivid
A war-torn revolutionary child of city
Searching for past versions of me so I can finally heal em
But the time gone now, pennies in buckets of backlash
Wishing for meaning inside of the darkest nights of my past
Like to say a prayer for the passing of my youth
Usher carry casket eerie symbol of sad truth

You still a man when you got tears in your eyes
I know I paint the picture happiest when dying inside
Feel like I'm lying when I say I never killed a man
Because my inner child died them nights at my hand
And that's a hard pill
Most days I try lie and blame it on the times still
Convenient how I frame it from a juxtaposition
Pretending that I didn't know any different
Convenient how I blamed it all on ops and the bitches
The blame resting on my shoulders now with God as my witness
Be lying if I said my pride ain't ever play a part
Couple slides on the carousel weighing on my heart
Bi-product of the warped life lesson I learned as a kid
When you grow inside a system your compassion hid
But now I'm sorry for the purity I lost in the freeze frames
Afraid of what the spirit would tell - I never did pray

Perspective changed the night my daughter was born
Like everything I'd ever known of love was fickle before
It helped me realize that love the valid reason for war
It taught me how to heal a bruise when my ego get sore
My great grandfather's trauma lay the groundwork for dna
100 years later we still moving off the same pain
Wish I could say it's no regrets that night I didn't ride
I mean, he killed my fucking homie - I was dying to slide

But they say the lord bless me when I stay my hand
They say I'm keeping good karma being honest, man
And lord knows that it's a miracle I made it out
Took some growth to be the the man that stand before you now
And that's the truth
And as fate would have it
Burned the candle at both ends it came together like I planned it
Trouble followed me like metal to magnet
But looking back at it now I got suspicion god had planned it