Baltimore

When my mother told me
"Don't forget your rain boots when it's wet"
I listened up, just like a good, good little girl
And when she prudently suggested I should lose the cigarette
I knew that bit of wisdom was a pearl
But in all of the advice that I collected through the years
I admit to you with trepidatious dread
Unfortunately, there was some that whizzed right through my ears
Ah, where, where was my mind when Mother said?

Avoid navel-contemplating
Floppy-haired actors originally from Baltimore
Who excel at mime, still play Stratego
And have issues with their mom
Sure at first they're very charming, their attention is disarming
But give attention in return and, dear, they'll drop you like a bomb

Yes, do avoid REO Speedwagon-loving
Christopher Walken-imitating thespians originally from Baltimore
Who can't piss unless their shrink says it's okay
Why let them break your heart, dear?
Put your head on and be smart, dear
Put some bug spray on and make them go away

When my daddy told me look both ways before you cross the street
I took his words to heart, and I complied
And when he told me be yourself, and I should march to my own beat
I did and found that truth was bonafide
But in all of the advice that I collected through the years
I have to say, I am a bit surprised
I missed the best advice that Daddy trumpeted my way
Ah, where, where was my mind when he advised

Avoid narcissistic, alcoholic
Think-they're-French-but-they're-not waiters originally from Baltimore
Who deflower you
Carry a copy a "Fountainhead" in their pocket and lie about their age
Sure at first their eyes are steely, and their words are touchy-feely
Have them cheat upon you twice, and my advice is more than sage

Yes, do steer clear of Renaissance festival-loving
Food service consultants originally from Baltimore
Who say they dance with NYC ballet
But are really an administrative intern

For it's clear upon reflection
If you give him your affection
You will understand the concept crash and burn
The singles world out there can be a scary land
I have to ask, is it me, or is it Maryland?

So if you can possibly avoid it, don't fall in love or lust
Or have crushes on boys from Baltimore
Though indeed at first they seem chock-full of style and class
Sure Cal Ripken's charm is actual, but he's married, and it's factual
Pimlico is not the only place you'll find a horse's ass

Yes, at all costs avoid ridiculous, though amusing, experiences cultivated in Baltimore
Barry Levinson, I mean no disrespect
If you have to go to Baltimore, and meet boys, do not marry 'em
Although it's true I hear that they've got quite a nice Aquarium
Ladies, take your hearts and run as fast as little legs can carry 'em
From Baltimore

There are better boys in Boise
Boys in Boise always call
You'll have better luck in Jersey or St. Paul
Well, not St. Paul
But no matter where life takes you
It just makes no sense to fall
In Baltimore
Hey, where are you from? Silver Spring? Oh!