Ambivalency

All my conversations
Are just parallel monolouges
Though my body answers
Mentally, I'm gone

I know my emotional absence
Is difficult to detect
But if you look inside of me you'll find things I've tried to forget

I meant to warn you that I carry heavily
That you'd be better off elsewhere
You shouldn't waste your love on me

But I couldn't get myself to let
What we had just pass
I was kinda hoping that
The two of us could last

There are no words
But a lot I have to say
There are no words
To explain why I tend to walk away
Why I fight you off when I wanna dance
Why you never really get the chance
To comfort me
When its all I need
I want you to stay and I want you to leave
This is me
With all my ambivalency

Relational betrayal over time
Made me adapt
Though I'm here in the present
My traumas reenact

Don't mistake my involvement
This is how I've learned to act
But you have shown again and again
You can give me all I lack

My safest moments were created in solitude
Thought I didn't need anybody
But then there was you

Suddenly I found myself
With a requirement for care
Confusing as it sounds
I want you far away and near

There are no words
But a lot I have to say
There are no words
To explain why I tend to walk away
Why I fight you off when I wanna dance
Why you never really get the chance
To comfort me
When it's all I need
I want you to stay and I want you to leave

Please hold me, please go away
Please follow me, please don't move - stay
Please turn to me, get out and leave
Please do something, please let it be
Please laugh, please cry
Please let me win, or never try
Please wait, I will be there
Though I said I wouldn't dear

Please don't leave me
Don't waste your love on me
Don't leave me
Please place your love on me

This is me
With all my ambivalency