Headspace

I've been in a dark space mentally
Having thoughts that are unsettling
Crash out on the beat
Cuz I can't take my anger publicly
Feels like I gotta couple demons in my mind
Can't crack a smile
Stay on the grind
Ain't no grinning
When I'm winning
But I've been steady tripping
My mind going a million miles a minute
Ain't nobody ever listen
They act like it ain't real
So I just keep it to myself
Driving in my car I talk to myself
Talk about the conversations I can't have with other people
Then I get mad tryna convince myself that it ain't real
But I know that it is
Cuz I played it through in my head a couple hundred times
No, I'm not fine
Even when I say that I am I know that I'm not
Can't even fool myself anymore
I'ma knock down the door
Come inside like the FBI
Do my own investigation
Pretty sure my heart has an infestation
I'm losing my mind
Going off the tracks
I'm losing my train of thought
But did I ever have it in the first place
I don't think that I did
Goin kinda crazy lately
I think maybe I just hate me
I ain't holding my horses
Cuz I've never been stable
Life ain't a fable
But it's wired in like a cable
Death is a promise, but life is a gift
So I wanna learn how to deal with this
Cuz I don't wanna be in a constant state of pain and anger
Everybody wanna hit me up like a gol dang pager
No I'm not well
My mental health went down the drain
I feel like there's nothing to gain
I know life ain't a game
But I might start playing like it's GTA
I know my bars got range
But what is it worth at the end of the day?
Like what am I here for?
Why am I doing this?
I know I say I do it to praise His name
But lately I feel like I do it more for myself
Then anyone else
My people are my kinda wealth
But I put too much trust in them
So I end up burning and hurting
Feeling like I'm in a furnace
I just wanna live instead of surviving
All of my pain I try and hide it
Even when I seem like I'm vibing
On the inside I'm crying
I don't even know how I got here
I don't wanna ask for help, but I know that I need it
More than anything I need Jesus
I'm always tryna come up with new reasons
For why I did this and didn't do that
My life is on auto pilot
I been out of my mind for a minute
I feel like a fake
I wanna change
But how do I do it?
And where do I start?
I don't like where I am right now
But I'm not sure where I wanna be
Lord, can you help me?
Crying into my pillow
I weep like a willow
Can somebody save me?
Cuz it's been raining
I express all of this in a song
Then someone tries to check up on me
But I push them away
Like dang
"Didn't you just ask for someone to listen?
But as soon as I ask you get distant
What's up with that?"
I don't know man
I've kind of accepted the pain
Like I know I should change
But what is there to gain?
I guess I'll go through the motions
Act like I don't have emotions
Talk to myself
Talk to the mirror
Talk about facing my fears
Then shrug my shoulders and go back to bed
At least I'm not dead
Dang my life is a sad excuse, right?
But I'll be alright
Just give me a night
It'll all be fine