A Maddeningly Merry Tune

It's Christmas time and I just love that so much
It brings me peace and joy
To hear everybody that I meet
And everything I see say
"Christmas is here
And doesn't that make you happy?"
Oh
I just love Christmas
It brings me peace and joy
Or else

Christmas is carols and Christmas lights
Christmas is presents and Christmas fights
Christmas means seeing my whole family
Then going and seeing more of my family
Christmas is sugar cookies with sprinkles
Love in the form of new frown wrinkles on my face
And Christmas stress
And Christmas mess

But it's all good
'Cause Christmas is everything I've ever wanted
And I'd end up on Santa's naughty list
If I implied that I would prefer to skip
Even one holiday
And I do believe in Saint Nick
And you may say that I'm a jaded cynic
But I'm happy when the lights go up
You better believe that
I Love Christmas

Oh
What fun it is to sing
A maddeningly merry tune
A holiday classic where the theme is
I'm ecstatic that you're here
How many new ways could come
For everybody and everything to say
That Christmas absolutely slaps?

But dude
This is one cut lyric
You have the deluxe to get
The rest of the world won't hear
How much I absolutely hate

Christmas
Like anybody really cares
Like it's some sort of a surprise
Read a room
Baby
Everyone already knows
That all the carols and the lights
The presents and the fights
All the family stress
The holiday mess
Are like
Well
Duh

But it's all good ([?] oh, well)
Christmas is everything I've never wanted
And I'll end up on Santa's naughty list
Goddamn
I prefer to skip
Even every holiday
And maybe I'm a jaded cynic
But I'm a scientist
And I don't believe shit
Me and Rudolph hangin' at the bar
We both whine 'bout how he hates his boss

Here come the sleigh bells
And they go like this (Give me a break)
Here come the sleigh bells
And if you're goin' crazy when you hear 'em, hey
Join the club, we'll have some eggnog rage
Raise a toast to fake snow and forced cheer on stage

Christmas is commercials on every screen
A Hallmark movie where love's routine
It's peppermint-flavored everything
And malls where kids scream at the Santa scene
It's sweaters that itch, it's glitter galore
It's acting like you can't stand your in-laws anymore
It's a countdown clock, a yuletide war
'Til the new year saves us and we lock the door

But it's all good
'Cause Christmas is everything we've ever hated
And we've been programmed to feel elated
If we skip one song or one candy cane
The holiday guilt'll drive us insane
And yeah, I might sound like a bitter cynic
But my Christmas spirit's non-existent, innit?
So light up the tree, it's just what we do
Let's pretend we're all merry as we drink the glue (wine or mulled, your choice)

Oh
What fun it is to fake
A maddeningly merry face
A holiday classic where the theme is
I'm ecstatic I've survived this race
How many new ways can they find
To force-feed joy and chee they say, "Isn't it the best?"
But if you don't smile back, well, good luck with the rest
Oh, I just love this season-yeah, I'm totally obsessed
Or else

Christmas is the chaos and plastic trees
Fake smiles and forced apologies
It's endless shopping and songs on repeat
Baking cookies no one will eat
It's awkward hugs with family you can't stand
Wrapping gifts with tape stuck to your hand
Christmas stress and Christmas mess
But hey, it's magical, I guess

Still, it's all good
'Cause Christmas is everything I never wanted
But I'd end up on Santa's naughty list
If I dared to admit that I'd rather quit
Every single holiday
And yeah, I'm a seasonal skeptic
But even I know to fake it and accept it
Because nothing says festive like hiding your gloom
Behind a holiday grin in a crowded room

Oh, what fun it is to play
The part of someone full of cheer
A time-honored tradition
Of pretending we're glad it's here
How many more ways can they find
To sell me joy I'll never feel?
The irony of this holiday
Is painfully surreal

It's commercials for joy and deals at the mall
Mistletoe kisses you dodge in the hall
It's secret Santa with a gift card cop-out
And kids screaming, "Where's my robot now?"
It's Instagram posts with a perfect tree
While you're duct-taping yours in misery
It's the same damn songs, the same routine
A Hallmark movie of saccharine scenes

Here come the sleigh bells-clang, clang, clang
Drown in their echo as the madness expands
Here come the sleigh bells-take a shot of gin
Maybe the spirit of Christmas will finally kick in
Raise a toast to forced tradition
Sing a hymn of contradiction
Let's act like this is the most wonderful time
As we countdown the seconds 'til the ball drops in line

Still, it's all good
'Cause Christmas is everything we never asked for
But hey, we're conditioned to smile on cue
Who cares if we're drowning in glitter and goo?
Call me bitter, call me cold
But it's the same damn story we've been sold
And I'll laugh through the mess, because that's the trick
Pretend it's joy when you're feeling sick

Oh, what fun it is to fake
A "maddeningly merry" tune
A season of joy where we all agree
To ignore what's really true
How many new ways can they find
To tie a bow on this charade?
Here's to a holiday that's perfectly staged

So deck the halls and play along
The show must go on; the calendar says so
Raise your glass to the irony we all share
A holiday of chaos dressed in snow
Merry Christmas, my fellow grumps
Cheers to us, the silent chumps