No Place Like London

I have sailed the world
Beheld its wonders
From the Dardanelles
To the mountains of Peru
But there's no place like London
I feel home again

I could hear the city bells ring
Whatever I would do

No, there's no place like London

Mr. Todd, sir?

You are young
Life has been kind to you
You will learn

So, Anthony
It's here we go our separate ways
Farewell, I shall not soon forget the good Ship Bountiful
Or the young man who saved my life

Alms, alms!
For a miserable woman
On a miserable, chilly morning
Thank you, sir, thank you!

'ow would you like a little muff, dear?
A little ji g ji g
A little bounce-around-the-bush
Wouldn't ya like to push me parsley?
Ya looks to me, dear, like you got plenty there to push!

Alms, alms!
For a pitiful woman
What's got wondering wits—hey
Don't I know you, mister?

Off with you, woman!
Off, I said!
Leave!

Then 'ow would you like to split me muff, mister?
We'll go j i g - ji g, we'll go—

Off, I said! Away with you!

Alms, alms!
For a pitiful woman

Pardon me, sir
There's no need to fear the likes of her
She's only a half-crazed beggar woman
London's full of them
Mr. Todd, sir?

What is it?

If you need any help, or money, or any—

No!
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
And the vermin of the world inhabit it
And its morals aren't worth
What a pig
Could spit
And it goes by the name of London

At the top of the hole sit a privileged few
Making mock of the vermin in the lower zoo
Turning beauty to filth and greed
I too have sailed the world and seen its wonders
For the cruelty of men is as wondrous as Peru
But there's no place like London

There was a barber and his wife
And she was beautiful
A foolish barber and his wife
She was his reason and his life
And she was beautiful
And she was virtuous
And he was naive

There was another man who saw
That she was beautiful
A pious vulture of the law
Who, with a gesture of his claw
Removed the barber from his plate
Then there was nothing but to wait
And she would fall
So soft
So young
So lost
And oh, so beautiful!

And the lady, sir, did she succumb?

Oh, that was many years ago
I doubt if anyone would know
Now, Anthony, leave me, I beg of you
There's somewhere I must go, something I must find out
Now, and alone

But surely we will meet again, before I'm off to Plymouth?

You'll find me, if you want to
Down around Fleet Street, I wouldn't wonder

Until then, Mr. Todd

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
And it's filled with people who are filled with shit
And the vermin of the world inhabit it