Getting Married Today

Bless this day
Pinnacle of life
Husband joined to wife
The heart leaps up to behold
This golden day

Today is for Amy
Amy, I give you the rest of my life
To cherish and to keep you
To honor you forever
Today is for Amy
My happily soon-to-be wife

Pardon me, is everybody there?
Because if everybody's there
I want to thank you all
For coming to the wedding
I'd appreciate your going even more
I mean, you must have lots of better things to do
And not a word of it to Paul
Remember Paul? You know, the man I'm going to marry
But I'm not, because I wouldn't ruin anyone
As wonderful as he is

Thank you all for the gifts and the flowers
Thank you all, now it's back to the showers
Don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today

Bless this day
Tragedy of life
Husband joined to wife
The heart sinks down
And feels dead
This dreadful day

Honey, I can't find my cuff links
They're on the dresser
Right next to my suicide note...

Listen everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for
A wedding. What's a wedding? It's a prehistoric ritual
Where everybody promises fidelity forever
Which is maybe the most horrifying word I've ever heard
And which is followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize
He's saddled with a nut, and want to kill me, which he should

Thanks a bunch, but I'm not getting married
Go have lunch, 'cause I'm not getting married
You've been grand, but I'm not getting married
Don't just stand there, I'm not getting married
And don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today

Go! Can't you go?
Why is nobody listening?
Goodbye! Go and cry
At another person's wake
If you're quick, for a kick
You could pick up a christening
But please, on my knees
There's a human life at stake!

Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear
Or do you want to see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you?
It isn't only Paul who may be ruining his life
You know, we'll both of us be losing our identities
I telephoned my analyst about it, and he said to see him Monday
But by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage

I'm not well, so I'm not getting married
You've been swell, but I'm not getting married
Thank you all, but I'm not getting married
Clear the hall, 'cause I'm not getting married
And don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today

Bless this bride
Totally insane
Slipping down the drain
And bless this day in our hearts
As it starts
To rain

(Today is for Amy)
Go! Can't you go?
Look, you know I adore you all (Amy I give you the rest of my life)
But why watch me die
Like Eliza on the ice?
(To cherish and to keep you)
Look, perhaps I'll collapse
In the apse right before you all
(To honour you forever)
So take back the cake
Burn the shoes and boil the rice!

(Today is for Amy)
Look, I didn't want to have to tell to you
But I may be coming down with hepatitis, and I think I'm gonna faint
So if you want to see me faint, I'll do it happily
But wouldn't it be funnier to go and watch a funeral?

So thank you for the twenty-seven dinner plates
Thirty-seven butter knives
Forty-seven paperweights
Fifty-seven candle holders

(One more thing...)
I am not getting married
(Amen!)
(Softly said...)
See, I'm not getting married
(Amen!)
(With this ring...)
But, I'm not getting married!
(Amen!)
(I thee wed)
Still, I'm not getting married!
(Amen!)
(Let us pray that we are getting married)
Let us pray that we're not getting married
Today!