A-B-C

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen
To this guided tour of your New York Stock Exchange
The shares we trade here
Are owned by millions and millions of ordinary Americans
Just like you and Howard Yews and J. Paul Getty

The market is a ticker
A slender piece of tape
Which notifies the public of its economic shape
Which, if it weren't legal, would be statutory rape
That's perpetrated daily
From ten to half-past-three
A simple little business
It's A-B-C

A is for Analyst
These are highly skilled professionals
Who spend their entire lives studying the market
Sir, do you think the market is going up or down?

We have every confidence
That, if there is no decline
The market will go higher

From here to Saudi 'Rabi
If Johnson blows his nose
Run and hawk the baby
That's how the money goes
Oh, yeah

The market has a logic
Whose wonders never cease
It's basically predictable and free of all caprice
It hits the floor in time of war
And lower when there's peace
And all the smart investors
Rely on LSD
A simple little business
It's A-B-C

B is for Broker

You're thinking of buying U.S. Steel
Great idea!
You're thinking of selling U.S. Steel
Great idea!

He thinks it's a great idea
Whether you buy or whether you sell
How come?
C is for Commissions

Three percent
Two percent
Six percent

They deal below the table
And steal beneath your nose
Watch your bloomers, Mabel
That's how the money goes
Oh, yeah

The market is a hot tip
Your neighbor will supply
In which you keep investing
Till its price has hit the sky
So, when you go to sell it
There is no one left to buy
It's "plunge ahead" with Edsel
And sell AT&T
A simple little business
It's A-B-C

D is for Dow Jones
Now, we've all heard of the Dow Jones averages
You know when the Dow Jones is up, it's good
When it's down, it's not so good

Hi there, investors!
This is the friendly voice of Dow Jones
Reporting on the state of the bustling American economy
At twelve noon
The Dow Jones averages are down
Seven point four three
Next report on the state of the bustling American economy
Will be at one p.m

They're down on steel and carbon
And high on UFOs
Up your IG, Farbman
That's how the money goes
And money makes the world go round
To that we all agree
Which brings us back to business
A simple little business
It's A-B-C