The Worst Pies In London

A customer!

Wait, what's your rush? What's your hurry?
You gave me such a fright, I thought you was a ghost
Half a minute, come here, sit, sit you down, sit
All I meant is that I haven't seen a customer for weeks

Did you come here for a pie, sir?
Do forgive me if me head's a little vague
What is that?
But you think we had the plague

From the way that people keep avoiding
No, you don't
Heaven knows I try, sir!
But there's no one comes in even to inhale

Right you are, sir, would you like a drop of ale?
Mind you, I can't hardly blame them
These are probably the worst pies in London
I know why nobody cares to take them

I should know, I make 'em, but good? No!
The worst pies in London
Even that's polite the worst pies in London
If you doubt it, take a bite

Is that just disgusting?
You have to concede it
It's nothing but crusting
Here, drink this, you'll need it
The worst pies in London

And no wonder with the price of meat
What it is? When you get it? Never
Thought I'd live to see the day
Men'd think it was a treat
Findin' poor animals
Wot are dyin' in the street

Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop
Does a business but I notice somethin' weird
Lately all her neighbors' cats have disappeared
Have to hand it to her, wot I calls
Enterprise poppin' pussies into pies!
Wouldn't do in my shop
Just the thought of it's enough to make you sick
And I'm tellin' you, them pussycats is quick

No denyin' times is hard, sir
Even harder than the worst pies in London
Only lard and nothing more
Is that just revolting
All greasy and gritty?
It looks like it's molting
And tastes like, well, pity
A woman alone with limited wind
And the worst pies in London

Ah, sir, times is hard
Times is hard!