Crazy Eddie's Last Hurrah

(All right, kids, uh, I don't really know what you guys are going to think of this. It's, umm, maybe a bit. OFF THE WALL, uhh? Fictional. So. uh, you may not like it, but you'll find it amusing, at... at least.)

Well it sure didn't take too long
I woke up one mornin', she was gone
And the note that she wrote didn't say "Dear John"
It said, "Goodbye, sucker, I'm gone!"

She was a home-grown mountain girl
Raised in a different world
I was a wanna-be rocker, she was more into Merle
And I couldn't see it just wouldn't work

And now I'm double fisting longnecks
and grapefruit and Stoli
But I'm never gettin' over Jolie

Well I pulled myself in my car
I drove it on down to the bar
But they wouldn't let me in, 'cause I ain't a movie star
So I went to the Horseshoe on Lamar

The bouncer threw me out at two
And I didn't know what to do
So I picked up the phone and I called guess who
But the call block wouldn't let me through

And now I'm wishin' for some drugs
Or a shrink to console me
But I'm never gettin' over Jolie

Well I gathered up all of my guns
And a pipe bomb just for fun
And I drove to her house and parked on the lawn
She's right, I always was a crazy one

Well her boyfriend was sure nice to me
He said, Calm down, would you like a drink?
And then I shot him full of holes from his nose to his knees
And I polished off my little sweet pea

And now I'm cryin' on my knees, feelin' dirty and unholy
But I'm never gettin' over Jolie
Now I'll prob'ly get life and serve at least forty
But I'm never gettin' over Jolie