Calm Down Baby

This is for anyone wishing they could do their entire life over:
Quit sulking, you fucking pussy.
Yeah yeah yeah, clown on my accent all you want.
I'll whoop your ass. I'll whoop your grandmothers ass.
I'll whoop your sisters ass. I'll beat your moms ass.
I'll kick your ass. Its the anti-socialite not-so-christian
that will talk more shit than bitter and old women
on puny ass rappers with little-to-no rhythm.
Fuck veganism give me some General Tso's Chicken.
I write weird songs that got hooks like Journey
and if I grew my hair out I'd probably look like Fergie.
But I'd never tinkle in my pants while I was on stage
cause I was potty trained when I was four years of age.
I think a lot of people these days are bitches,
I also think that emo and emotional are different.
But more so I hate white girls that talk like,
"Aww hell no, girl I'm gettin' you sick crunk, you know what I'm sayin'?"
I'm not jokin', it's nothing but bark, I feel lost.
Can't remember where the fuck that I parked.
The world is gray and blue but what skates me through
is knowing that I have a better music taste than you.
I used to like Tool until they made the same album that
they made the last time they made the same album.
Every time they make a damn album its the same album, really.
And only stoners listen to their music, it's silly.
I still think the Deftones are dope,
and I like Nick Drake on the days I wanna let go of hope.
Wilco is great and Ice-T is still clever
and no matter what its ALWAYS Wu-Tang forEVER.

(Chorus)
Calm down baby
Don't you talk because
Calm down baby
Don't you talk because
I don't need lovin' and I don't need help
I'd rather ride in the car by my goddamn self

I'm 25 I started rapping as a sophmore
In those days I'd hide my cigarettes in my sock drawer
until I heard my mom snoring sleeping on the green couch
and then I'd secretively sneak out.
My first taste of heartbreak was at the park late one summer night
I had a big crush on a girl named Sarah
I was gonna ask her out until I saw Tim Phillips kissing her,
grabbing her butt. Asshole! I was madder than fuck and walked home.
Oh, Tim Phillips smells like cool water cologne.
Well fuck him, his mustang and all his other friends
I vowed I would never love again and since then I've dated,
but fuck that I can't give nothing
I'd rather sail alone than have my damn ship sunken.
Being single's par for the course,
I don't wanna cause a marriage cause I don't wanna cause a divorce.
Its probably important and its better for health.
Besides, I get the whole damn bed for myself.
But what the hell everybody yells for me to drop down my guard.
No! this heart of mine's for me, it's locked down and it's scarred.
Go home, I don't need me a wife, I'm happily single for life, alright?

My name is Mac Sheldon I'm a fire-shined Leo
Alcoholic, anti-mall, anti-hero, anti-soccer mom, anti-hipster; pro-eating captain-crunch-cereal-for-dinner, pro-taking-bong-hits-to-cure-your-depression, and pro-demo CD, if you got one let me check it. But never ask me what the hell I'm laughing about, see ya later I'ma go take a nap on the couch, alright?

(Chorus)

Gee, Mac... what are we gonna do about this Kansan accent of yours?"

"Well, self, since you're asking in the third person, we're gonna fuckin' keep it! Because it makes us pretty... and unique... and beautiful. Like birds!"

...I'll whoop your mother's ass.