My Brother

Phew! There's something funny round here
What is it?
Oh! It's you
Come here and sit down
You're gonna have the truth told about you and put on record
'Ere please don't sit too close to me, I'm just having my breakfast
Thank you

Who put salt in the sugar bowl?
Who put fireworks in the coal?
Who put a real live toad in the hole?
My brother
Who put jam in mother's shoe?
Who made real caterpillars stew?
Who locked grandad in the loo?
My brother

My brother said it wasn't he
Who put shampoo in grandma's tea?
My brother said that it was me
My brother's rotten
Who squeezed toothpaste round the hall?
Who put soot in the baby's butts?
Who drew things on the garden wall?
My brother

You ought to see what he drew
Ah, what a surprise
Nobody knew what it was really
But everybody had a jolly good idea
And he wrote slogans
"Down with young mothers" that was one
'Cause he don't think our mum knows how to bring us up right
I don't think so either
You know every night when we're wide awake, she makes us go to bed
And in the morning when we're fast asleep, she makes us get up

Whose pet mouse made auntie shriek?
Who ate glue and couldn't speak?
What clever dick was sick for a week?
My brother
Who keeps maggots in a tin?
Plays the twist on his violin
Who's been gettin' at the gin?
My brother

He looks just like a chimney sweep
But dirt they say is just skin deep
I know he's good when he's asleep!
But you don't know what he's dreamin' about (do ya)

Who wouldn't mind if I ride his bike?
Who lets me shot his gun if I like?
Who says I'm best at football, ludo, snakes and ladders?
Hide-and-seek, chasin' each other up and down the garden
Pinchin' little girls up the high street
Well, he's gotta say I'm best
'Cause I'm bigger than he is and if he don't say I'm best at everything, I'll bash him, haha
My lovely, lovely brother

Come on, come on mate, let's get out of here
Before you fall down the hole in the middle
Come on give us your hand' we're gonna wal—
'Ere what you had in your hand
'Ave ya
Woo!