Professor Hauptmann's Performing Dogs

Note: the lyrics below are copied from those
on Peggy Lee Mirrors LP 1975
and follow the spellings and layout

Ladies and gentlemen we proudly present
The headlining act of the day
An act that has played for the crowned heads
of Europe
Appearing for the first time in the U.S. of A...

Professor Hauptmann's Performing Dogs
Professor Hauptmann's miraculous dogs
Jugglers and acrobats dressed up like clowns
Dogs in tuxedos and swank evening gowns
Some dressed like sailors in navy blue jeans
Standing up and acting just like real
human bein's

Professor Hauptmann's Performing Dogs,
Professor Hauptmann's incredible dogs
One rides a pony and carries a purse
One is on roller skates dressed like a nurse
A dog in a derby is doing a dance
A mutt in red suspenders keeps on losing
his pants

Someone up there in the third mezzanine
Said "ain't that the cutest thing you've
ever seen?"

An elegant pup in a black tie stood up
At the piano and started to play
An Alsatian hound all bejeweled and begowned
Heard the music and started to bay
The first tenor howled and the baritone growled
And the audience shouted "Hooray!"
A little chihuahua got so excited
It had to be taken away

Someone up there in the third mezzanine
Said "ain't that the cutest thing you've
ever seen?"

Professor Hauptmann's Performing Dogs
Professor Hauptmann's spectacular dogs
Watch them do somersaults, cartwheels
and springs,
See them cavorting and jumping through rings
Breathtaking stunts that amaze and surprise
Feats of skill and daring right before your
own eyes

Seventeen schnauzers in bell bottom trousers
Come tumbling out of a bar
They stagger and stumble and fall down
and fumble
Then all tumble into a car
One starts up the motor and lo and behold
He crashes it right through the rail
A big English bulldog dressed up like a cop
Arrests 'em and takes 'em to jail

Someone up there in the third mezzanine
Said "ain't that the cutest thing you've
ever seen"

Professor Hauptmann's Performing Dogs
Professor Hauptmann's unparalleled dogs...

For our Grand Finale. Those marvellous mongrels
Surpassing their previous tricks
Those incomparable canines, alive and in person
And acting the spirit of '76...

One plays the fife and one beats the drum
One waves the flag while he walks and
chews gum
Marching together with boots on their feet
Shoulder to shoulder and right on the beat
Then on rush the Red Coats and U.S. Marines
They fire guns and fall down dead just like
human bein's

Someone up there in the third mezzanine
Said "ain't that the cutest thing you've ever seen?"

Professor Hauptmann's Performing Dogs
Professor Hauptmann's heartwarming,
Troupe of barnstorming,
Super performing dogs!