Magazine Song

The bath was run, the candles glowed
I poured a glass of New Zealand Montana
Rubbed a tub full of yoghurt into my... face
Having Rolfed my bod with a banana
I put on some Harry Connick
And also the answerphone
Popped a Belgian truffle into me gob
And opened my Woman's Own

And this, is what, it said
I read, you really ought to

Diet
Direct all your thoughts to the slender thing you'll become
Diet
Or die each time you look in a mirror at your lumpy bum
Diets are tough
Diets are hard
But diets are there to help you change from looking like a big tub of lard
Who people think resemble Kirstie Alley's mum
Then irrigate your colon
Coagulated tubes need a good flush twice a year
Colon
Coax out those nasty toxins and leave your skin fresh and clear
Colons are short
But colons get blocked
So co-opt a trusted friend who you know for certain won't be too shocked
When asked to take a hose and stick it up your rear

Well, I was walking through the town one day
When suddenly I bumped
Right into a handsome Lothario
By whom I'd been callously dumped
I fled home in an awful state
And wept through several boxes of tissues
Then turned for advice to the latest
Of Cosmopolitan's issues

And this, is what, it said
I read, you've got to learn to

Orgasm
Or you'll never know what you've been missing 'til it's far too late
Orgasm
Organically designed to guarantee you'll feel really great
Orgasms are swell
Orgasms are fun
Orgasms are such that every girl ought to know how to have at least one
Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight!
Investigate your G-spot
Geographically it's inside, somewhere rather hard to reach
G-spot
Jeepers creepers, you can flex it on the bus or even on the beach
G-spots are a joy
G-spots are a G!
G-spot manipulation should go hand and hand with a nice fantasy
About Tom Cruise or even Antonio Banderas
Which doesn't exactly rhyme with beach, but he's terribly sexy

I migrated to London from Ireland
The peat bogs had lost their glamour
Sure, I longed for a man from the county set
A chinless type with a shtammer
I modelled myself on the Duchess of York
But the nobs didn't want me around
'Til I learned me the secret of blending in
From a copy of Horse & Hound

And this, is what, it said
I read, you've got to buy a

Hairband
Hello! Haven't seen you for absolutely yonkeroos
Hairband
Head off down to Knightsbridge and get yourself some Gucci shoes
Hairbands have class
Harrods have heaps
A hairband ensures you're accepted by toffee-nosed gits who drive around in Jeeps
And think that you're a frightful leftie if you refuse
To come and kill some wildlife
Wipe out half of Gloucestershire with both barrels of your gun
Wildlife
Why not pot a shot at a stag while it's on the run
Wildlife abounds
So wise up, wear furs
And while away each Saturday by beating up some hunt saboteurs
Who turn up in cagoules and try to spoil your fun

Well, the three of us got together
As we're wont to do once in a while
And put all our magazines together
In an orderly pile
Then we dropped them off for recycling
Went home with Chinese food
Cracked a bottle of tequila
Got completely smasheroo'ed