Master of the House

Welcome, monsieur
Sit yourself down
And meet the best
Innkeeper in town

As for the rest
All of them crooks
Rooking their guests
And cooking the books

Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be

Master of the house
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake
And an open palm

Tells a saucy tale
Makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur

Glad to do me friends a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house
Keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em
Of a sou or two

I'm watering the wine
Making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks
When I can't see straight

Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus! Damn, I'll bleed 'em in the end!

Master of the house
Quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby
To pass him by

Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher
And lifelong mate!

Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperon
But lock up your valises
Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!

Enter, monsieur
Lay down your load
Unlace your boots
And rest from the road

This weighs a ton
Travel's a curse
But here we strive
To lighten your purse

Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked
'Til I'm satisfied...

Food beyond compare
Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer
And pretend it's beef

Kidney of a horse
Liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages
With this and that

Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side!

Charge 'em for the lice
Extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice
There a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut

When it comes to fixing prices
There are lots of tricks he knows
How it all increases
All those bits and pieces
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

Master of the house
Quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby
To pass him by

Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher
And lifelong mate!

Everybody's boon companion
Gives 'em everything he's got
Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus! What a sorry little lot!

I used to dream
That I would meet a prince
But God Almighty
Have you seen what's happened since?

'Master of the house?'
Isn't worth me spit!
'Comforter, philosopher'
And lifelong shit!

Cunning little brain
Regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover
But there's not much there

What a cruel trick of nature
Landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted
Living with this bastard in the house!

Master of the house
(Master and a half!)
Comforter, philosopher
(Don't make me laugh!)
Servant to the poor, butler to the great
(Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!)
Everybody bless the landlord!
Everybody bless his spouse!

(Everybody raise a glass)
(Raise it up the master's arse)
Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!