I Am the Very Model of a Modern

I am the very model of a modern Major-General
I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral
I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical
I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical
About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news
Lot o' news? Got it!
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse!

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypote-potenuse!

I'm very good at integral and differential calculus
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a modern Major-General!

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
He is the very model of a modern Major-General!

I know our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's
I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus
In conics I can floor peculiarities parabolous
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies
I know the croaking from The Frogs of Aristophanes
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore
Ooh, din afore? Got it!
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore!

And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pina-Pinafore

Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform
And tell you ev'ry detail of Caractacus's uniform
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a modern Major-General

In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
He is the very model of a modern Major-General

In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin"
When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a Javelin
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at
And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat"
When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy
Ooh, I say. Strategy, strategy, strategy. Ooh, that's a, that's a hard one, isn't it? Oh, got it!
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee!

You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee
You'll say a better Major-General has never sat a, sat a gee!

For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a modern Major-General!

But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
He is the very model of a modern Major General!

Presto agitato s'il vous plaît, maestro

In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin"
When I can tell at sight a Mauser rifle from a Javelin
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at
And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat"
When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery
When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery
In short, when I've a smattering of elemental strategy
You'll say a better Major-General has never... rode a horse!

You'll say a better Major-General has never rode a horse
You'll say a better Major-General has never rode a horse
You'll say a better Major-General has never rode a, rode a horse!

For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century
Still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
I am the very model of a modern Major-General

But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral
He is the very model of a modern Major-General

Yes, well, thank you
Well, yes, well, now that I've introduced myself
I should like to know: what's going on?
Oh, dear papa
Permit me, I can explain in two words
We propose to marry your daughters
Oh, dear me!
Against our wills, papa, against our wills!
Oh, but you mustn't do that!
May I ask, may I ask: this is a picturesque uniform, I'm not familiar with it
What are you?
We are all single gentlemen!
Yes, I gathered that, ha! Anything else?
No, nothing else
Papa, don't believe them
They are pirates – the famous Pirates of Penzance!
The Pirates of Penzance! I've often heard of them
All except for this gentleman, who was a pirate once, but is out of his indentures today
And means to lead a blameless life evermore
But wait a bit, wait a bit, wait a bit! I object to pirates as sons-in-law
We object to Major-Generals as fathers-in-law
But we waive that point. We do not press it. We look over it
An idea! And do you mean to say, I said do you mean to say
You would rob me of these, the sole remaining props of my old age
And leave me to go through the remainder of my life unfriended, unprotected, and alone?
Well, yes, that's the idea
Tell me, have you ever known what it is to be an orphan?
Oh, dash it all!
Here we are again!