Toll Booth Willie

Performed by Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider, Tim Meadows, David Spade, Steve Koren, Tim Herlihy, and Margaret Ruden

(Car approaches)
Toll Booth Willie: "Welcome to Worchester. Dollar twenty-five please."
M1: "Hey, how ya doin' Toll Booth Willie?"
Toll Booth Willie: "Good! Thanks fer askin, pop!"
M1: "Aww, that's great, you know, considering yer a fuckin' idiot!"
(Pays toll and drives off)
Toll Booth Willie: "Go fuck yourself you son of a bitch! I'll come right outta the booth and fuckin' whack ya, you fuckin' prick!"

(Another car approaches)
M2: "Hey, hey, Willie! Hows it going?"
Toll Booth Willie: "Hey, can't complain, pop. Hows 'bout you?"
M2: "Oh, great, great. How much?"
Toll Booth Willie: "The state charges a dollar twenty-five, pop."
M2: "That's fine. Now should I give you the money, or should I shove the quarters directly up your fat ass!?"
(Pays toll and drives off)
Toll Booth Willie: "Why you fuckin' hard on! I'll fucking Carlton Fisk yer fuckin' head with a Louise-ville fuckin' slugger! Whadya think of that ass fuck!?"

(Another car approaches)
F1: "Hi Willie."
Toll Booth Willie: "Oh, nice to see ya M'am. Not a bad day, huh?"
F1: "Well, I'm a little lost. Could you help me out? I hear your the best with directions."
Toll Booth Willie: "Well I know my way around New England. I can tell ya that much. So where ya headed?"
F1: "Well, I was just wondering exactly which is the best way to drive up your ass. You know, if you'd tell me, I'd appreciate it, you fuckin' prick."
(Drives off)
Toll Booth Willie: "You fuckin' bitch! Fuck you! You forgot to pay the fuckin' toll you dirty whore! I'll fuckin' drop you with a boot to the fuckin' skull you cum guzzling queen!"

(Another car approaches)
M3: "Hey Willie."
Toll Booth Willie: "Hey, how are ya?"
M3: "Here's a dollar twenty-five, and go fuck yourself."
(Pays toll and drives off)
Toll Booth Willie: "Dah, you fuckin' prick! I hope you choke on a fuckin' bottle cap, ya fuckin' son of a fuck! Eat shit! Eat my shit!"

(Another car approaches)
Bishop Nelson: "Hello Willie. Good to see you."
Toll Booth Willie: "Ahhh, Bishop Nelson. Nice to see ya. That was quite a sermon you had the other day."
Bishop Nelson: "Hey, well I do my best."
Toll Booth Willie: "Dollar twenty-five, Bishop."
Bishop Nelson: "Dollar twenty-five, Willie. Isn't that the same price your mother charges for a blow job, you piece of dog shit!?"
(Pays toll and drives off)
Toll Booth Willie: "Ohhh! Have another one, you fuckin' lush! It's not my fault the bartender cut ya off last night ya fuckin' douche bag!"

(Another car approaches)
M5: "Hey!"
Toll Booth Willie: "Well hey!"
M5: "Yeah, do you want the money, or should I just shove the quarters directly up your fat ass!?"
(Pays toll and drives off)
Toll Booth Willie: "Well, I already heard that one you fuckin' unoriginal bastard! Go suck a corn you fuckin' piece of repeatin' shit!"

(Another car approaches)
F2: "Hi."
Toll Booth Willie: "Oh, hi. How are ya?"
F2: "Fine, thank you. How much is the toll please?"
Toll Booth Willie: "For you sweetheart, it's a dollar twenty-five."
F2: "Here ya go."
(Pays toll)
F2: "Thank you."
(Begins to drive off)
Toll Booth Willie: "Hey! Hey! Honey! Would you like a receipt with that?"
F2: "Oh, I almost forgot. Thank you so much."
(Toll Booth Willie scribbling a receipt for her)
Toll Booth Willie: "And here ya are."
F2: "Umm, do you think you could sign it?"
Toll Booth Willie: "Oh, uh. sign it?"
F2: "Yeah, sign Toll Booth Willie was here."
Toll Booth Willie: "Ok, sure. Uhh, by the way, what is this for?"
(Signing receipt)
F2: "Just so I could have proof for my friends that I met the biggest fuckin' dip shit with the smallest dick alive. You understand."
(Drives off)
(Crumples up paper)
Toll Booth Willie: "Fuck you, you fuckin' upity bitch! I'll fuckin' fuck you and all your lesbian fish-eating friends in front of your fuckin' mothers! You're gonna die, bitch! I'm comin' outta the booth!" (Opens the door and runs out of the booth)

(Car screeches and hits him)
Toll Booth Willie: "Ooooh! My fuckin' leg!"
M6: "Hey! You ran over Toll Booth Willie!"
M7: "Oh my God! I was always wondering what it would be like to run over a
dried up stinky dick licker."
Toll Booth Willie: "Why you fuckin' pricks. I fuckin' hear every fuckin' word yer saying! When this fuckin' leg heals, I'm gonna kick you guys new fuckin' assholes!

(Everyone cussing eachother out)