T.J. Miller

I'm like Pepsi
I'm always second best
Like Melissa Etheridge
I'm usually in a vest
I'm like Home Depot
If I can't flow
There's Hispanics out front
Ready to go
I'm like Southwest
You're free to move around
But the only place I'm goin' is D-Town
I'm like Mr. Clean
I appear out of nowhere
Jeffrey Tambor downtown
Subtle, no hair
I'm like FEMA
I always come late
I'm like Puerto Rico
I'm not really a state
I'm like Donald Duck
You can't understand a word
I'm dangerous and friendly to kids
Call me Notorious B.I.G Bird
I'm like Maury Povich
I make a living off exploitation
I'm like Cubans
Sometimes I mix myself up with Haitians
I'm like Sarah Palin
I'm the scum of the Earth
I'm like Jaden Smith
I was set since birth
I'm like my mom's friend
Allison Galansky
When I have dinner parties I don't invite me
I'm like Dave Matthews
My fans are all tools
I'm like cricket y'all
I don't quite understand the rules
I'm like an overweight advice columnist/hunter-director of photography
I shot 'Dear Flabby'
(It was a documentary, it actually won Best Picture at Thundance and South By Northeast. We submitted to Cannies, but it didn't take.)
I'm like a claw-machine
You usually don't win
I'm like that all that's evil and not real
You can call me sin
I'm like a clown without makeup
Still kinda scary
I'm like a Scrabble dictionary
Cause I'm useless
But with a great vocabulary
I'm confusing
Like when a girl named "Mary" gets married
I'm like Gary Coleman
It didn't end up so great
I'm like pornography
I use me to masturbate
Flight attendant to ya phone
I'll get ya turned off
I'm like a creepy doctor
Don't turn your head when you cough
I'm like a butterface
Cause I have margarine on my face
I'm like China in a bull shop
I'm still outta place
I'm like cryogenics
No one really knows exactly what I am or if it extends one's own life
It's probably just science fiction to help people stave off their fear of mortality you know?
I'm like that
I'm like Krevin Harbutton
No one's ever heard of me
I'm an annoying phenomenon
I'm like 'Glee'
I'm like LA
Cause I take my time to crush your soul
I'm like New York City
I'm already full
I'm like Richard Nixon
Except I'm a crook
Like a blind person with audiotapes
I don't do it by the book!
I'm like King Kong
Cause I sweat a lot
I mean nobody ever talks about it, but he probably sweats a lot
I'm like Q-tip
I didn't make it fuckin' rhyme for real
But yo technically
I'm not made of steel
I'm mostly water
I'm mostly water
I'm like Cali Swag
I'm a one hit wonder
I'm like a cold hit without mass appeal
I'm 'Six Feet Under'
I'm like glasses
Since July I've been out of fashion
I'm the cultural elite
I'm the last intellectual bastion
I'm like Elvis Presley
Cause I stole that shit
I'm like Charlie Parker
Cause I'm that 'Bird' shit
Yo, riffin's in my blood
And it's not about to clot
Improvise like the Sun
All important and fuckin' hot
I'm like a flasher in the cold
I always wear two coats
I'm like Angela Lansbury
I wrote 'Murder She Wrote'
I'm like 'Mrs. Doubtfire'
I look good in a wig
I'm like that farmer from 'Babe'
That'll do pig