Master of the House

Come on you old pest, put your bottle of your best
What's the nectar of the day?
Here try this lot, guaranteed to hit the spot
Or I'm not Thenardier
Give us a glass of rum, landlord over here!
Right away you scum, right away monsieur
God this place has gone to hell, so you tell me every year
My host Thenardier, he was there so they say
In the field of Waterloo
Got there it's true when the fight was all through
But he knew just what to do
Crawling through the mud so I've heard it said
Picking through the pockets of the English dead
He made a tidy score from the spoils of war
My band of soaks, my den of disolutes
My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
My sons of whores spend their lives in my inn
Homing pigeons homing in they fly through my doors
And their money's good as yours
Ain't got a clue what he put into this stew, must have scraped it off the street
God what a wine, Chateauneuf du Turpentine must have pressed it with his feet
Landlord over here, where's the bloody man?
One more for the road, one more slog of gin
Just one more or my old man is gonna do me in
Welcome monsieur sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest all of them crooks
Rooking the guests and cooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent who's content to be
Master of the house
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale
Makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favour
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing, everything has got a little price
Master of the house
Keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve them of a sou or two
Water in the wine
Making up the weight
Picking up their nik-naks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybodys bosom friend
I do whatever pleases, Jesus won't I bleed 'em in the end
Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passer by to pass him by
Server to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher and life long mate
Everybodys boon companion
Everybodys chaperone
Lock up your valises, Jesus won't I skin you to the bone
Enter Monsieur, lay down your load
Unlace your boots and rest from the road
This weighs a ton, travels a curse
But here we strive to lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
But nothing's overlooked 'til I'm satisfied
Food beyond compare
Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges plus some little extras on the side
Charge him for the lice
Extra for the mice
2% for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice
There a little cut
3% for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices there are lots of tricks I know
How it all increases allt he bits and pieces
Jesus it's amazing how it grows
Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passer by to pass him by
Server to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher and life long mate
Everybodys boon companion
Give 'em everything I've got
Dirty bunch of geezers, Jesus what a sorry little lot
I used to dream tht I would meet a prince
But God almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
Master of the house isn't worth my spit
Comforter, philosopher and life long shit
Cunning little brain
Regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature
Landing me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house
Master of the house
Master and a half
Comforter, philosopher
Don't make me laugh
Server to the poor, butler to the great
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate
Everybody bless the landlord
Everybody bless his spouse
Everybody raise a glass
Raise it up the masters arse
Everybody raise your glass to the master of the house