The Lobster Song

The Lobster Song - I first heard this sung at Effingham Rugby Club, Surrey, in about 1976, by a young woman. I resurrected it in 2009 and sung it with the Hastings Shanty Singers. It's most recent outing was again in Hastings with RX Shantymen. There are many similar versions, like Chinese Whispers they change as they go along.

I went to see a fisherman
I went to see
have you got a lobster
you can sell to me?

Singing role tiddly ole,
Shit or bust,
Never let your bollocks dangle in the dust

Oh yes I have a lobster
I have two
and the biggest of the bastards
I shall sell to you

So I took the lobster home
and I couldn't find a dish
so I put it in the place
where the missus has a piss

In the middle of the night
it was just like this
the missus got up
to go and take a piss

Well the missus gave a groan
and the missus gave a grunt
she's running round the room
with a lobster on her her cunt

We hit it with a squeegee
we hit it with a broom
we hit the fucking lobster
round and round the room

We hit it on the head
we hit it on the side
we hit the fucking lobster
until the bastard died

The moral to this story
the moral is this,
Always have a shufty
before you have a piss

Is this the end?
Is it fuck
there's an orange up me arse
and you can have a suck

Well this is the end
There ain't no more
There's an apple up me arse
and you can have the core.