Song for Santa (Jingle Your Own Damn Bells!)

Santa filled my stocking up with dust
And in my breakfast bowl
Nothing but a big chunk of pudding crust
Scraped from the bottom of Rudolph's trough
Most off-putting, gag-inducing
Oozing with a glowing red goo

Well, that's not to say it's not okay to be a reindeer
Just the snot gets in the way of an already paltry meal
Reindeer themselves most elves feel to be our allies
Though there are those who fail to see
Their sight obscured by bigotry
Through the lens of intersectionality
The similarity between their and our captivity

Well, I for one have had enough of these power dynamics
I'm gonna cut in line to see Santa
Shut him up and give him a piece of my mind
Tell him, "Wo do you think you are?
Who do you think I am?
I'm not some ceramic garden gnome
I'm a living, breathing elf, man!"
Man, oh

Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle your own damn bells, damn bells
Jingle your own bells
Tinker away at your toys and fly your sleigh
Without exploiting the reindeer
And elves, and elves, and elves

Old Saint Nicholas stuffs his ruddy face
With jumbo gelatin-laced marshmallows
As big as mugs
And he chugs hot cocoa from gigantic jugs
And he makes a crude analogy
To Mrs Claus's anatomy
How she puts up with his misogyny
And stays kindly is a mystery to me

She's an inspiration to us all
Whenever Santa's at the mall
Our labor shifts from free to fair
She pays us out our proper share
She has her hubby's chefs prepare
A wholesome feast of vegan fare
And over cupcakes we compare notes
As we plan the revolution

Nutmeg and Holly volunteer to lead the popcorn ball volley
Hopscotch and Foxtrot and their teams
Load up their slingshots with Royal Riviera Pears
And pairs of reindeer line the entryway

When Santa barrels through the door
In the morning, caterwauling carols
Reeking of the sauce and apple fritters
His weakened cognitive and motor skills
Leave him at a loss
At the sight of fruit in flight
Confections being tossed
In a moment, he is falling
Then caught by reindeer in midair
Wrapped up in tinsel
Propped up in his chair

Then the littlest elf hops up on his lap
And presents a big bright bow
And we're all silent as they stare at one another
Time stands still
Until
The littlest elf slaps the bow on Santa's mouth and says

"We've all had enough of these power dynamics
Tired of waiting in line!
It's our turn to speak our minds, and say
Who do you think you are
To treat us like you do?
We're not claymation figures, we're alive
And every bit as good as you!"

Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle your own damn bells, damn bells
Jingle your own bells
Tinker away at your toys
And fly your sleigh
Without exploiting the reindeer
And elves, and elves, and

Reindeer with noses of color
Shouldn't have to work harder than all the others
Sleigh-guiding leaves them stressed
Get some LEDs and a GPS

Gender non-conforming elves
Shouldn't be ghettoized
And made to work outside in the harsh conditions
In the groundskeeper positions that you made up
'Cause you couldn't decide
Which assembly line to assign
Girls' tea party sets or boys' fighter jets?

It's time you move beyond the binary
Integrate your factory
You'll find greater diversity
Makes for greater harmony

And you have the ability
To pay everybody equitably
And offer benefits
That extend to our families

Then Mrs Claus says, "Nick
We all deserve respect
You can learn to show it to us if you try
If you don't recognize their union
You can kiss yours and mine goodbye!"

Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle your own damn bells, damn bells
Jingle your own bells
Tinker away at your toys
And fly your sleigh
Without your wife
And the reindeer
And elves, and elves, and elves

Nick acquiesced to our requests
Then in a week or so
He resigned and moved out to the guest house
And in his absence, we've been more productive somehow
Maybe it's because
Mrs Claus is Santa now!

Jingle bells
J-j-jingle bells
Jingle bells
J-j-j-jingle bells
J-jingle bells
J-jingle bells
J-jingle bells
J-j-j-jingle bells