The Lodger

My landlady had three lovely daughters.
They used to come and make my bed each day.
They used to come and clean my living quarters,
But their mother made quite sure they didn't stay.
There was Mary: she seemed chary;
There was Helen: she seemed well and truly sceptical about my qualities;
There was Julie: she was truly well-proportioned, but her caution
Brought exhaustion on my aching arteries.

But I was wrong: they weren't at all impervious
To the possibilities of high romance -
And I sensed a certain girlish nerviness
In the way they folded my pyjama pants.
And I was right, for late one night
Sweet little Mary, like a fairy,
As I lay sleeping, came a-creeping to my side.
She was mine: it was divine - but we were doomed, for very soon
Into the room came sister Helen, and she cried:

"Mary, go to bed!" Off Mary went.
"Now, young man," Helen said, "for your punishment,
"We mustn't have a fight, we mustn't make a row:
"Turn off the light - it's my turn now!"

Well, after all, I'm young and relatively vigorous,
And though I still protest my innocence,
By temperament I'm strictly un-polygamous,
And if I sinned, I sinned in self-defence.
Nevertheless I must confess I wouldn't miss that sort of bliss
And when it ended I was rendered comatose.
When, loud and clear, very near, in my ear a loud voice spoke
And I was awoken from my post-coital doze.

"Helen, go to bed!" Helen went away.
"Now, young man," Julie said, "you will have to pay!
"You've blighted Helen's charms, filched her purity.
"Open up your arms - come and filch me!"

I was amazed, and really rather tired;
I thought I'd given all that I could give.
A little kip was all that I desired,
But I'm British, so my upper lip was stiff.
She was chaotic, idiotic, quite exotic and ecstatic,
Acrobatic and emphatically fine.
All to no good, for when I could open my eyes, to my surprise
I found her mother looking into mine.

"Julie, go to bed!" Julie left the scene.
"Now listen, Ma," I said, "I know the old routine.
"I'll do what you like, but I shall be vexed
"And I'll bloody well go on strike if Grandma's next!"