Instructions on Being

Don't ask me about God
Don't ask me when am I graduating?
Repeat what I said when I'm singing
Don't ask me about my religion
Or why I don't faithfully go to church anymore
I don't like questions with answers that make me feel stupid

These are the things I think about in the shower
When my empathy is running a race with water
I think about things like
I need to exercise more
Is my hair growing?
Is my ability showing?
Is God a man or a woman?
I don't look at myself too long
I'm afraid that I won't like how honesty and accountability look up too close

I tend to shove things, in the biggest of closets
And pretend that I bought a home without any doors
I'm not the easiest person to walk through
I'm selfish
But I'm honest with myself when I feel like hearing what truth sounds like
With a jammer and a hammer and a jigsaw, truth

I am just as insecure as I am confident
I barely believe in my own brilliance or my beauty
I need current confirmation from my friends
And I look for it in their faces
"Are you pretty today?"
"My God, are you lovely?"
I'm a star who doesn't pay her light bill
I wish that my mother told me that I was incredible at ten
Maybe I would believe it at 23

I convince myself every day
Every day that I'm right where I'm supposed to be
No matter how many credits short I am of graduating
Do not stare at certain parts of my face
I'm not sure how comfortable I am with such open flaws
I've become pretty good at covering up what isn't beautiful about myself

Excuse my sarcasm
It's, it's the ugly trying to come out in me
Ignore her, ignore her, please
I'm trying how to figure out how to apologize to the person I am
To forgive mistakes that I've made on replay
Forgive yourself before you ever look for an apology

I want to write everything that you're afraid for people to hear
Everything that you keep in that closet in your back
I want to break my pride's ankle with a sledgehammer any time she gets too tall
I want to do open heart surgery on the boy who couldn't tell you I love you
Tank, this is your reminder list

One, fuck him, I love you
Two, you're everything your mom forgot to tell you
Three, forgive your dad, he has Alzheimer's
Four, shut up! your little brother looks up to you
Five, you should try finger painting some time
Six, stop looking for your reflection to wave back at you, you are the same person
Seven, stop looking for the congratulations in your mom's eye, she is proud of you
Eight, record you heartbeat and play it in reverse
It sounds the same, you are still here
Nine, your niece is holding fire for you in her hand, just for your attention

She will burn herself with everything that you forgot to saturate with love
Call your sister, shut up!
Admit to your friends why you are always crying
God, it is amazing what you tell yourself when you think no one is watching