It Makes a Fellow Proud to Be a Soldier

(Introduction, only on live album "An Evening Wasted With Tom Lehrer", spoken:)
I have only comparatively recently emerged from the
United States Army, so that I am now, of course, in
the radioactive reserve. And, the usual jokes about
the Army aside, one of the many fine things one has
#to admit is the way that the Army has carried the
American democratic ideal to its logical conclusion,
in the sense that not only do they prohibit discrimination
on the grounds of race, creed, and color, but also on
the grounds of ability.
Be that as it may, some of you may recall the publicity
a few years ago attendant upon the Army's search for an
official Army song to be the counterpart of the Navy's
"Anchors Aweigh" and the Air Force's "Up In The Air,
Junior Birdman" and so on. I was in basic training at
the time, and I recall our platoon sergeant, who was
an unfrocked Marine. (Actually, the change of service
had come as quite a blow to him because it meant that
he had to memorize a new serial number which took up
most of his time.)
At any rate, I recall this sergeant's informing me and
my "roommates" of this rather deplorable fact that the
Army didn't have any official... excuse me, didn't have
no official song and suggested that we work on this in
our copious free time. Well, I submitted the following
song, which is called "It Makes A Fellow Proud To Be A
Soldier" which, I think, demonstrates the proper spirit,
you'll agree. However, the fact that it did not win the
contest I can ascribe only to blatant favoritism on part
of the judges.

The heart of every man in our platoon must swell with pride
For the nation's youth, the cream of which is marching at his side
For the fascinating rules and regulations that we share
And the quaint and curious costumes that we're called upon to wear
Now Al joined up to do his part defending you and me
He wants to fight and bleed and kill and die for liberty
With the hell of war he's come to grips
Policing up the filter tips
It makes a fellow proud to be a soldier!

When Pete was only in the seventh grade, he stabbed a cop
He's real R.A. material, and he was glad to swap
His switchblade and his old zip gun
For a bayonet and a new M-1
It makes a fellow proud to be a soldier!

After Johnny got through basic training, he
Was a soldier through and through when he was done
Its effects were so well rooted
That the next day he saluted
A Good Humor man, an usher, and a nun

Now, Fred's an intellectual, brings a book to every meal
He likes the deep philosophers, like Norman Vincent Peale
He thinks the army's just the thing
Because he finds it broadening
It makes a fellow proud to be a soldier!

Now, Ed flunked out of second grade, and never finished school
He doesn't know a shelter half from an entrenching tool
But, he's going to be a big success
He heads his class at OCS
It makes a fellow proud to be a soldier!

Our old mess sergeant's taste buds had been shot off in the war
But his savory collations add to our esprit de corps
To think of all the marvelous ways
They're using plastics nowadays
It makes a fellow proud to be a soldier!

Our lieutenant is the up-and-coming type
Played with soldiers as a boy, you just can bet
It is written in the stars
He will get his captain's bars
But he hasn't got enough box tops yet

Our captain has a handicap to cope with, sad to tell
He's from Georgia, and he doesn't speak the language very well
He used to be, so rumor has
The Dean of Men... at Alcatraz
It makes a fellow proud to be
What as a kid I vowed to be
What luck to be allowed to be a soldier
(At ease!)