A Million Ways To Die

Cowboys and pioneers
Come lend your eyes and ears
I've got the need to testify
Don't try to build your nest
Out in the open West
'Cause there's a million ways to die

Six bullets in the gut
Or just a papercut
Too many ways to quantify
They'll cut your ankle off
To cure a minor cough
'Cause there's a million ways to die
(A million ways to die)

It's a hundred and one
In the shade or the sun
If you fall asleep you fry
(A million ways to die)
You can live like a saint
But there just really ain't
No avoidin' a million ways to die

Small pox and bigger pox
And deadly tomahawks
Or God forbid, you steal a pie
They'll blast you into shards
For playin' good at cards
'Cause there's a million ways to die

Out on the desert plains
It hardly ever rains
And you can hear coyotes cry
They'll eat you up and then
They'll shit you out again
'Cause there's a million ways to die
(A million ways to die)

With a whoosh and a whack
There's a knife in your back
'Cause you got a fancy tie
(A million ways to die)
It's a kick in the pants
But you don't have a chance
Of escapin' a million ways to die
A million ways to die