I'm the Greatest Star

Hey, can we have your autograph?
My autograph?
I'm nobody
But wait a minute

I've got 36 expressions
Sweet as pie to tough as leather
And that's six expressions more
Than all the Barrymores put together
Only six?

Instead of kicking me
I don't think they give me a lift
I think it's a plot
'Cause they're scared that I got
Such a gift, I'm miffed

'Cause I'm the greatest star
I am by far, but nobody knows it
Wait, they're gonna hear a voice
A silver flute
They'll cheer each toot
When I expose it

Can't you see the look at me
That I'm a natural Camille?
As Camille I just feel
I have so much to offer
I know I'll be divine because
I'm a natural cougher

Some ain't got it, not a lump
She's a great big clump of talent
Laugh, they'll bend in half

Did I tell the story about the traveling salesman?
A thousand laughs
Stick around for the jokes folks
A thousand faces, I reiterate
When you're gifted
Then you're gifted

These are facts, I have no axe to grind
Hey, what are you blind?
In all of the world so far
I'm the greatest star

Who is the pip with pizazz?
Who is all ginger and jazz?
Who is as glamorous as?

Who's an American beauty rose
With that American beauty nose
And ten American beauty toes

Eyes on the target and wham
One shot, one gun shot and bam!
Hey world, here I am!

She is the greatest
The best is the greatest
She is the greatest
The best is the greatest

I'm the greatest star
I am by far
But nobody knows it
That's why I was born
I'll blow my horn
'Til somebody hears it

I'll light up like a light
Right up like a light
I'll flicker and flare up
All the world's gonna stare up
Looking down
You'll never see me
Try the sky
'Cause that'll be me

I can make 'em cry
I can make 'em sigh
Someday they'll clamor
For my dram-er

Have you guessed yet?
Who's the best yet?
If you ain't, I'll tell you one more time
You bet your last dime
In all the world so far
She's the greatest, greatest

Funny, life is far from sunny
When the laugh is over
And the jokes on you
Well, a girl's gotta have a sense of humor
That's one thing you really need for sure
When you're a funny girl
The fellow said, "A funny girl"
Funny, how it ain't so funny girl

They're the luckiest people in the world
With one person, one very special person
A feeling deep in your soul says
You were half, now you're whole
No more hunger and thirst
But first be a person who needs people
People who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world