Matt Knudsen

I did a little gig not long ago
And this dude came up to me after the show
And he said to me:
"Hey, you know the only difference between 'rap' and 'crap'? It's the letter C"
I thought "This guy is wack.
That joke is not even a wisecrack; is a DUMB-crack"
But the memory is pain in my butt
Like a thumbtack in my BUM-crack
'Cause I didn't have a comeback
Man, I wish I could have hit him with a zinger
Should have served him with the verbal equivalent of a middle finger
And now it'll linger forever
But I've been stewing over what I'd say to him if I could do it over
He'd be like:
"Hey, you know the only difference between 'rap' and 'crap'? It's the letter C"
I'd say
"Are you insured medically? 'Cause you sure better be
When you're broken in half from provokin' the wrath
And your joke? Didn't laugh.
And actually there's another difference between 'rap' and 'crap' you did not hit.
'Rap' describes my comedy on stage
'Crap' describes your comedy off it"
"Aw, shit"
"Oh, crap"
Everybody within earshot would be like:
"Oh, snap"
I'd high-five all around while the guy falls down
in a ball on the ground
Someone hands him a bandage to stop the bleeding
And when he manages to stand I'd say:
"Man, you just got defeated.
It's ironic, I shit on your 'crap joke'.
You could say I defecated on it."
Murder but I'd take it even further
He'd just be weeping pathetically I'd say:
"Hey, you know the only difference between 'defeated' and 'defecated'?
It's the letter C"
Sudden hush like when a skydiver pulls a ripcord
Somebody tiptoes forward hands me a clipboard
And I'd let dude read it
Is a looseleaf sheet and it say the word 'Defeated'
I'd pull out a Sharpie marker
Narrow my eyes through my Warby Parkers
Like "Watch who you're messin' with, with your effin' ish"
Then I'd write in the C and he is f-in-ished.
Finished!
Man, can you imagine if that's what I said
If I'd come up with that off the top of my head
I should have shredded him
Knocked him down, dead.
But like I said,
that's not what I said.
*Sigh*