Frozen Lullaby

"Mommy, where do babies come from?"
"It's pretty simple actually."
When a man doesn't love a women very, very much
He signs away his paternal rights and jizzes in a cup
Then with lots of money and scientific genius
Hormones, pain and of course, um
Jesus

The process begins the way God intended
With a transvaginal ultrasound
With a wand longer than a ukelele
When it comes out of my body it makes this sound
I give myself daily interdermal injections
An acute blood thinner and estrogen concurence
Require presevation through hormonal activation
And none of it's covered by insurance
Then I'm knocked out
And you're removed
And combined with a stranger's cum
And as the saying goes: "You win some...
"You lose some." ("You dispose of the defective ones in a hazardous wastebin.")
And then you're frozen until I'm certain
It's time to unthaw you into a person
Then you'll expire or you'll make the grade
And that, my darling
That's how babies are made
(It's so easy)
(And natural)

Hush little egg baby, don't say a word
Mama's gonna freeze you 'till she gets rich
And when that day finally arrives
You'll be constructed in a petri dish
With sperm donor "8W6-3"
The silent partner of our family
So hush little egg baby, don't be sad
Just because I never fucked your dad

I know there are orphans everywhere
But I'm going to pretend that isn't real
Don't look at me like that just 'cause I admit it
You had kids and you knew the deal
Yeah, I feel guilty about overpopulation
And ruining the environment for forever
But Osama Bin Ladin had twenty kids so
Fuck you, or whatever
Sadly procreation is not a meritoracy
And we need to prevent a real life idiocracy
Though it may be the ultimate form of narcissm
It's also a way to re-reverse reverse Darwinism
I want all this stuff
I don't need to make a bucketlist
It doesn't make me greedy
It just makes me a feminist
Now I'm thinking back through all the guys I've dated
If they heard this song they'd fucking hate it
(It's so easy)
(And natural)

Hush little egg baby, don't you cry
You'll have the best genes mommy can buy
I don't want to wait 'till I get in dire straights
My friends say if I want kids, I should go out on some dates
But these working bitches don't have time to leave it to the fates
The world deserves more Rikis
And the world deserves more Kates
So hush little egg baby, dads are overrated
He did what mattered when he masturbated

Hush, little egg baby, just hold firm
Mama's gonna buy you designer sperm
And if that sperm gives you random traits
Mama's gonna test your DNA
And if your DNA doesn't make things clear
Mama's gonna just have to live in fear
And If that fear turns into guilt
Mama's gonna hold onto what we built
And if I hold too tight as I suffocate
I'll buy you lots of things to overcompensate
And if that overcompensation's too transparent
I'll pretend it's somehow better with no male parent
And if you say, "But mom, who's my dad?"
I'll say "I don't know, and it's just too bad."
And if that badness forms a hole in your heart
I'll wanna make it up but won't know where to start
I'll probably start by saying "It's just you and me, and there's no such thing as a normal family
"So fuck being normal, lets do this shit"
Mama's gonna freeze you 'till she gets rich