(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

Well, I brought my own '45s
So if you put 'em on
I'll show you my stuff
Haven't you already shown us enough?

Oh, my god, how times have changed
This girl's either blind or completely deranged
Ah, but time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs

Childhood dreams for me were cracked
When that damn Shirley Temple, stole my freakin' act
But the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs

Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups but I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win if a plate they would spin
In their dance, not a chance

'Cause I hit the stage, batons ablaze
While belting high C's and preparing souffles
With that triple somersault
Was how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs

Proceed, are you scared we're on live?
No, I'm sure I can cope
Well, this show isn't broadcast
In Cinemascope

I never drank one chocolate malt
No, no desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs

How many sweaters do you own?
Well, I'm sure, I've got plenty
Let me see, I have three, five
No, wait, I have twenty

I would say Oy gevalt'
If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs

A tycoon I wed so cuddly and funny
The old fart dropped dead but left tons of money
So I bought this station so all of the nation could see
Baby amber and me

Do you dance like you dress?
Amber, there's no need to be cruel
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
I sure would, I'm all for integration it's the new frontier
Not in Baltimore it isn't and may I be frank?

First impressions can be tough
And when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough
Your last answer just blew it

And so, my dear, so short and stout
You'll never be in so we're kicking you out
You can't get past me kid but it isn't your fault
It's hard to get rid of Miss Baltimore Crabs

You may go, thank you? Gee Tracy, that went well
Hello, may I please audition?
No, but you can bow and exalt
Your just down with a case of, Miss Baltimore Crabs