Getting Married Today

CHOIRGIRL: Bless this day,
Pinnacle of life,
Husband joined to wife.
The heart leaps up to behold
This golden day.

PAUL: Today is for Amy,
Amy, I give you the rest of my life,
To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever.
Today is for Amy,
My happily soon-to-be wife.

AMY: Pardon me, is everybody there? Because if everybody's there,
I want to thank you all for coming to the wedding,
I'd appreciate your going even more,
I mean you must have lots of better things to do,
and not a word of this to Paul, remember Paul, you know,
the man I'm gonna marry, but I'm not,
because I wouldn't ruin anyone as wonderful as he is
But I thank you all For the gifts and the flowers,
Thank you all, Now it's back to the showers,
Don't tell Paul, But I'm not getting married today.

CHOIRGIRL: Bless this day,
Tragedy of life,
Husband yoked to wife.
The heart sinks down and feels dead
This dreadful day.

AMY: Listen, everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for,
a wedding, what's a wedding,
it's a prehistoric ritual where everybody promises fidelity forever,
which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of,
which is followed by a honeymoon,
where suddenly he'll realize he's saddled
with a nut, and wanna kill me, which he should--
So listen, thanks a bunch, But I'm not getting married--
Go have lunch, Cause I'm not getting married--
You've been grand, But I'm not getting married--
Don't just stand there, I'm not getting married--
And don't tell Paul, But I'm not getting married today.

Go, can't you go?
Why is no-Body listening?
Goodbye, Go and cry
At another person's wake.
If you're quick, For a kick,
You could pick Up a christening,
But please, On my knees,
There's a human life at stake!

Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear,
or do you want to see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you,
it isn't only Paul who may be ruining his life,
you know we'll both of us be losing our identities,
I telephoned my analyst about it and he said to see him Monday,
but by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage--
I'm not well, So I'm not getting married--
You've been swell, But I'm not getting married--
Clear the hall, Cause I'm not getting married--
Thank you all, But I'm not getting married--
And don't tell Paul, But I'm not getting married today.

CHOIRGIRL: Bless this bride,
Totally insane,
Slipping down the drain.
And bless this day in our hearts
As it starts
To rain.

PAUL: Today is for Amy AMY: Go, can't you go?

PAUL: Amy, I give you the rest of my life AMY: Look,
you know I adore you all But why Watch me die, Like Eliza on the ice?

PAUL: To cherish and to keep you, to honor you forever AMY:
Look, perhaps I'll collapse In the apse Right before you all,

PAUL: Today is for Amy, my happily,
soon-to-be wife AMY:
So take Back the cake, Burn the shoes and boil the rice.

Look, I didn't wanna have to My adorable tell you,
but I may be coming Wife. down with Hepatitis,
and I think I'm gonna faint, so if you wanna see me faint,
I'll do it happily,
but wouldn't it be funnier to go and watch a funeral,
so thank you for the twenty-seven dinner plates,
thirty-seven butter knives,
forty-seven paperweights, fifty-seven candleholders--

PAUL: One more thing-- AMY: I am not getting married! CHOIR: Amen!

PAUL: Softly said-- AMY: But I'm not getting married CHOIR: Amen!

PAUL: With this ring-- AMY: Still I'm not getting married CHOIR: Amen!

PAUL: I thee wed. AMY: See, I'm not getting married CHOIR: Amen!

PAUL: AMY: Let us pray Let us pray That we are
getting married That I'm not getting married Today! Today!

CHOIR: AMEN!!!