The Ballad of Hans Moleman

Moleman, Hans Moleman, you can't keep Hans Moleman down
Moleman, Hans Moleman, you can't keep Hans Moleman down

Hans Moleman is his name a.k.a. Ralph Melish
He's a stone cold player Arti Ziff was mad jealous
when he dated Selma first, plus he's only 31
Drinking ruined his life, it's such a sad story son
Got a knife in his cane and a fire in his loins
The indie movie star who took a football to the groin
Burns thought he was a leprechaun, drilled him in the head
Slept with Lars Ulrich's grandmother then chilled with her in bed
He's more metal than Metallica, though that's not so hard
Homer drove him off a cliff, so impatient in his car,
He was hauling Poe's house, just another day for Hans
but he's back on his feet 'cause he's the motherflipping man
You know there's no escape from the Fortress of the Moles
He's been burnt, run over buried, but he's still on a roll
He's been radiated, detonated, heart broken twice,
The Lazarus of Springfield, always coming back to life his name is

Moleman, Hans Moleman, you can't keep Hans Moleman down
(He's the bad luck Brian of 920 Oak Grove, Hipster Glasses so thick and round)
Moleman, Hans Moleman, you can't keep Hans Moleman down
('Cause he's trying out for Poochie while he's waiting on his kidney, he's the talk of the whole darn town)

Have you seen his green pants, have you seen his new shirt?
He wasn't yelling "Boo!", he was yelling "Boo-Urns!"
Attacked by Roomba robots gone anthropomorphic
He's part Droopy the Dog and part Kenny McCormick
He was riding on his Harley on the cover of his bio
Crashed into Planet Hype yeah he's been up there for awhile
He was texting Homer hit him, well surprise, he survived!
he's twice as cool as Millhouse though he can't really drive
Have you ever felt crushed by the weight of the planet?
If you have, let me tell you that Hans Moleman understands it,
But you've got to get up, you've got to put on your tie
Lace up your orthopedic shoes, and look up at the sky
And say hey, Solar rays, today you won't burn me up
Keep that Moleman PMA, you can break out of that rut,
'Cause when you're stuck in the snow and you're starting to turn purple
Just remember Hans Moleman when the wolves start to circle

Moleman, Hans Moleman, you can't keep Hans Moleman down
('Cause he's like Cowabunga dudes, with a skateboard in his hand
Hipster glasses so thick and round)
Moleman, Hans Moleman, you can't keep Hans Moleman down
(Even in his iron lung, well he's still dependable
He's the talk of the whole darn town)

BRIDGE

This player was the mayor over thirty years ago
brought an anthem to the people he told everyone he wrote
then one day it was discovered that whole thing was hoax
so they tied him to a horse out in the desert, let him go

Moleman, Hans Moleman, you can't keep Hans Moleman down
Moleman, Hans Moleman, you can't keep Hans Moleman down