The Amazing Fantastical History Of Mr. Willy Wonka

Ten minutes till dinner? Just enough time to hear the story of Willy Wonka!
Didn't we tell you the story of Willy Wonka last night?
No...
I have a distinct recollection of telling you the story of Willy Wonka just last night!
And the night before that!
I don't mean to be rude Grandpa Joe, but you are getting a bit old, and well, maybe a bit forgetful?
Have we really never, ever, told the boy about him?
Not once!
Well his entire life, the tot has not once told a lie!
I told you so!
But can we answer all his queries?
Can we cover all the theories?
All the beds are staged, so dearies,
ALL GRANDPARENTS:
let us try!
Oh what a clever man he is, this Mr. Wonka, there's so tales to tell!
All about the tasty sweets that made the people gather round for just one smell!
Children gnaw
While in their rompers
Chocolate eggs between their chompers
Till a tiny bird was perched upon their tongue!
Yes Mr. Willy Wonka
Has a sex appeal what makes me feel young! There, I said it!
Oh you little minx!
From all around the world, they'd call on Mr. Wonka, kings and queens and presidents!
Even down in Rome, the pope left home and in the factory took up residence!
Dalai llamas and their mamas has such episodes and dramas!
Even Ghandi got himself into a brawl!
For Mr. Willy Wonka
ALL GRANDPARENTS:
we all sing for he's the king of them all!
There was sugar balloons
And macaroons
On feathery sweets
And marshmallow treats
Transforming wheezing geezers to a child!
And let me say that Mr. Willy Wonka whips a swirl what makes a girl go wild! Well he does.
Tell the one about the Indian prince! The one about Prince Pondicherry!
Oh, you like the scary ones, don't you, Charlie!
Willy Wonka went to India near the kingdom of Madras,
Where he met Prince Pondicherry who was rich but awfully crass!
He had wed a Maharini who craved chocolate for each meal,
So he called up Willy Wonka, and he said:
"Let's make a deal! I will pay a million rupees for a house to fill her belly.
We will be the talk of Punjab! And the toast of all New Delhi!"
"I will gladly build this fortress," Wonka said,
"But just one thing. It will be nice for the winter, but it won't last past the spring!
JOSEPHINE AND GEORGINA:
"For the sun will make a river of this chocolate Taj Mahal,
"And you'll end up in hot chocolate with your chocolate femme fatale!"
But the prince, he wouldn't listen!
"Use a bonbon for the dome! I won't rest until my missus eats me out of house and home!"
And so Wonka built a showplace,
but when summer came around,
all the walls began to melt till every ceiling hit the ground!
But the prince and princess perished!
Drowning in the chocolate flow.
Yes they died cause they were greedy.
Ahhh, but what a way to go!
Ah, but Charlie, then the spies came!
Ficklegruber!
Prodnose!
And Slugworth!
Stealing every new invention as soon as it appeared. Wonka closed down the factory,
and no chocolate was made for a very long time. And then one night, the lights came back on again,
and strange shadows appeared at the windows! Yes! The factory was up and running again! But how?
Nobody's ever gone in, and nobody's ever come out.
And that is one of the strange mysteries of the chocolate-making world.
Yes the smoke returned to the windows, and the gates stayed locked and chained! And strange shadows-
GEORGE, GEORGINA, JOSEPHINE:
Ghostly shadows!
Appeared at the windows unexplained!
GEORGE, GEORGINA, JOSEPHINE:
Yes out went Ficklegruber, Prodnose, Slugworth!
No one went in, which was quite bizarre!
But the factory churned!
And the sweets returned!
ALL GRANDPARENTS:
If we could only afford one bar!
So Charlie now you're up to date on Willy Wonka, now you know what he's about!
Though it's a crying shame that no one's going in, at least the chocolates still come out!
Now once again each brother's daughter feels her mouth begin to water
Now each nose that sense olfactory thinks the factory's satisnacktory
For a single whiff I might commit a crime!
ALL GRANDPARENTS:
Yes Mr. Willy Wonka's-
Like I said!
ALL GRANDPARENTS:
A man ahead of his time!
I've still got it!
I've slipped a disc!
I think I need a pee.
I think I just had one!