Why Can't the English?

Look at her, a prisoner of the gutter
Condemned by every syllable she utters
By right, she should be taken out and hung
For the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue

(Aow!) Heavens, what a noise
This is what the British population
Calls an elementary education
Oh, Counsel, I think you picked a poor example (did I?)

Hear them down in Soho square
Dropping H's everywhere
Speaking English anyway they like
You, sir, did you go to school?
What do ya "tike" me for? A fool?
No one taught him "take" instead of "'tike"

Hear a Yorkshireman, or worse
Hear a Cornishman converse
I'd rather hear a choir singing flat
Chickens cackling in a barn just like this one

Garn (garn)
I ask you, sir, what sort of word is that?
It's "aow!" and "garn" that keep her in her place
Not her wretched clothes and dirty face

Why can't the English teach their children how to speak?
This verbal class distinction, by now, should be antique
If you spoke as she does, sir, instead of the way you do
Why, you might be selling flowers, too (I beg your pardon, sir?)

An Englishman's way of speaking absolutely classifies him
The moment he talks, he makes some other Englishmen despise him
One common language I'm afraid we'll never get
Oh, why can't the English learn to

Set a good example to people whose English is painful to your ears?
The Scotch and the Irish leave you close to tears
There even are places where English completely disappears
In America, they haven't used it for years

Why can't the English teach their children how to speak
Norwegians learn Norwegian, the Greeks have taught their Greek
In France, every Frenchman knows his language from "A" to "Zed"
The French don't care what they do, actually, as long as they pronounce it properly

Arabians learn Arabian with the speed of summer lightning
And Hebrews learn it backwards, which is absolutely frightening
But use proper English, you're regarded as a freak
Oh, why can't the English
Why can't the English learn to speak?