Please Hello

Please hello, America back
Commodore Perry send hello
Also comes memorial plaque
President Fillmore wish bestow

Emperor read our letter? If no
Commodore Perry very sad
Emperor like our letter? If so
Commodore Perry very merry
President Fillmore still more glad

Last time we visit, too short
This time we visit for slow
Last time we come, come with warships
Now with more ships—
Say hello!

This time request use of port
Port for commercial intention
Harbor with ample dimension

But you can't—

Only one little port for a freighter

But you can't—

Just for fun
Be a sport

Maybe later—

But we bring many recent invention
Kerosene and cement
And a grain elevator
A machine you can rent
Called a "train"

Maybe later—

Also cannon to shoot
Big loud salute
Like so
Say hello!

Treaty meet approval? If no
Commodore Perry very fierce
Disregard confusion below—
President Fillmore now named Pierce

Good! At last agreement is made
Letter will let us come again
First result of mutual trade
Commodore getting letter letting
Councilor getting fancy pen!
Goodbye
Goodbye

Goodbye

Goodbye
Goodbye
Please goodbye

Hello!

Goodbye

Hello, please!

Goodbye

Please
Hello, I come with letters from Her Majesty Victoria
Who, learning how you're trading now
Sang "Hallelujah, Gloria!"
And sent me to convey to you
Her positive euphoria
As well as little gifts from Britain's various emporia

The man has come with letters from Her Majesty Victoria
As well as little gifts from Britain's various emporia
Tea?

For drink

I see
I thank you—

I think her letters do contain a few
Proposals to your Emperor
Which if, of course
He won't endorse
Will put in her in a temper or
More happily
Should he agree
Would serve to keep her placid, or
At least till I am followed by
A permanent ambassador

A treaty port
And from the court
A permanent ambassador
A treaty port
And from the court
A permanent ambassador
A treaty port
And from the court
A permanent ambassador
And more

Her Majesty considers the arrangements to be tentative
Until we ship
A proper diplomatic representative
We don't foresee that you will be
The least bit argumentative
So please ignore
The man-of-war
We brought as a preventative

Yes, please ignore the man-of-war
That's anchored rather near the shore
It's nothing but a metaphor
That acts as a preventative

All clear?
Just so
Sign here

Hello, hello, objection resent!
President Pierce say "Moment's pause" (Please hello!)

British get ambassador sent
President Pierce get extra clause!

Wait! Please hello!
Don't forget the Dutch!
Like to keep in touch!
Thank you very much!

Tell them to go
Button up the lips
What do little Nips
Want with battleships?

Hold everything!
We gonna bring
Chocolate!
Wouldn' you like to lease
A beautiful little piece
Of chocolate?

Listen, that's not to mention
Wonderful—pay attention!—
Windmills
Und tulips
Und wouldn't you like a wooden shoe?

There—can you read?
Good! We will need
Two ports
One of them not too rocky—
How about Nagasaki?
Two ports
One of them for the cocoa—
What do you call it?—Yoko-
Hama! Ja!
Und Nagasaki! Ja!
Sign here!

Wait please, objection again! (Great Britain wishes her position clear and indisputable)
Dutch getting too many seaports (We're not amused at being used and therefore stand immutable)
President now wanting three ports (And though you Japs are foxy chaps and damnably inscrutable)

Please hello (Wait! Please hello!)
Comes the monkey wrench!
Smell that awful stench—
Probably the French

Also insist giving free ports (Reviewing it from where we sit the facts are irrefutable)

Please hello (Ach, nein, of course)
My mistake, the Czar
Smell the caviar—
Leave the door ajar

Also want annual reports (And thus, in short, a single port is patently unsuitable!)

Please hello
Is bringing Czar's request
Braving snow
With letter to protest
Since we know
You trading with the West
You might at least
Don't touch the coat!
Start looking East

Or closer West—
Well, farther North—
Are we the fourth?
I feel depressed
Don't touch the coat!

Coming next
Is extraterritoriality
Noting text
Say "extraterritoriality"
You perplexed
By "extraterritoriality"?
Just noting clause
Don't touch the coat!
Which say your laws do not apply
Don't touch the coat!

When we drop by
Not getting shot
No matter what—
A minor scrape
A major rape
And we escape
Don't touch the cape!
That's what is extraterritoriality

Fair is fair—
You wish perhaps to vote?
What we care
You liking what we wrote?
Sitting there
Is finest fleet afloat
Observing boat?
Don't touch the coat

Just sign the note

The British feel these latest dealings verge on immorality
The element of precedent imperils our neutrality (We want the same)
We're rather vexed you're giving extraterritoriality (What the Russkies claim!) (USA extremely upset)
We must insist you offer this to every nationality! (Why you let them came? Dirty rotten shame!) (President Pierce say solid "No!")

'Allo! —
Please 'allo!
'Allo! 'Allo! 'Allo!

I bring word, I bring word
From Napoleon ze Third
'E 'ad 'eard what 'ave occured 'ere
From ze little bird!

Undeterred
We conferred
Though we felt zat we'd been slurred
And ze verdict was he spurred me 'ere to
Bring ze word!

Would you like to know ze word
From Napoleon ze Third?

It's détente! Oui, détente!
Zat's ze only thing we want!
Just détente! Ah, détente!
No agreement could be more fair!
Signing pacts
Passing acts
Zere's no time for making warfare
When you're always busy
Making wiz ze mutual détente!

A détente! A détente
Zat's ze only thing we wish!
Same as zem, except additional
Ze rights to fish!

You'll be paid, you'll be paid
And we'll 'ave ze big parade
If we somehow can persuade you to accept our aid
It is not to be afraid
As we merely wish to trade

A détente! Oui, détente!
Zat's ze only thing we want!
Leave ze grain
Leave ze train
Put Champagne among your imports!
Tell each man
Zat Japan
Can't be bothered giving him ports
While she's in a tizzy
Dizzy wiz ze mutual détente!

It is late
And I fear—
Well, you see
There's a famine
Could you wait
For a year?
We'll agree
To examine it

A détente! A détente! (But later)
Zat's ze only thing we want! (I fear)

There's a drought (Just détente! Oooh, détente!)
And a famine
If you wait
For a year
Then no doubt (No agreement could be more fair!)
We'll examine it
But we've (Signing pacts)
Had a quake (Passing acts)
And a flood (Zere's no time for making warfare) (Wait! Please hello!)
And a famine (Don't forget the Dutch!)
Please believe (Why discuss) (We want just as much)
We will take (Make ze fuss) (Fishing rights and such!)
It to study (Since ze West belongs to us?) (Tell them to go)
Examine it (And ze East) (Otherwise we post)
But please (We 'ave leased) (Battleships at most)
If you'll wait (For ze French administration) (Ports along the coast)
For a year (If you force in ze Norce) (You can have the West)
There's a famine (Zen we burn ze Dutch legation) (We will take the rest)

Don't touch the coat!

Ah, détentes!
Ah, détentes!
That's what everybody wants!
You should want
A détente—
Makes a nation like a brother!

We'll be here
Every year
To protect you from each other
And to see you aren't
Signing foreign
Treaties and détentes!

Please hello!
We must go
But our intercourse will grow
Through détente
As détente
Brings complete cooperation

By the way
May we say
We adore your little nation
And with heavy cannon
Wish you an unending please hello!