Bum Biddy

Tommy, nothing personal
But Whitey Duval should've won the Patch tonight
And you people are crazy for not realizing that
Why would we give Whitey Duval the Patch?
So he could use it as a blanket?
That's the reaction I thought I'd get

Everyone in this room has been associated with Whitey
Either through basketball, the mall or various odd jobs he does around town for free
Or at most a dollar
And I'm guessing ninety-nine percent of you have either laughed in Whitey's face
Or ruthlessly made fun of his feet or voice or sister or shortness when he wasn't looking
But the next time you'd see him he'd still go out of his way to smile
And wave at you and ask you about your mother's operation or something like that
Because he unlike us actually cares about someone other than himself
The reason I bring this up to you
Is because I was the worst offender of all

My life was simply going nowhere
Then a tiny little man rushed to my side
He should've gotten a big thank you
Instead he got a port-a-potty ride

I was such a shithead
But he never quit on me
'Til I told him he was useless
And his sister was freaky

Once when we were watching Sunday football
A fuzzy screen was all that we could see
Whitey came over with a hanger
And spent the game on top of our T.V

And when the lightning struck him
He let out a wicked loud yell
But we just turned up the volume
And ignored the burning smell we should all rot in hell

I went to high school with Whitey
As a joke I told him to meet me at the prom
When he got there I said, "I can't believe you thought I was serious"
So he ran home crying and slow-danced with his mom

What a crushing blow to Whitey
I bet you wish you could take it back
How could you all be so mean to Whitey?
Sound to me like you are all on crack

Tonight Whitey was counting on this town
To show that we care
But the first time he really needed us we weren't there
(And on Christmas Eve and the last night of Hannukah)
It's just not fair

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I wonder if that guy ever wiped his ass with the wrong hand (yes)

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