Master Of The House - New York/Original Broadway Cast Version/1987

Welcome monsieur
Sit yourself down
And meet the best inn keeper in town
As for the rest, all of them crooks
Rooking the guests and cooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent
Who's content to be
Master of the house
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale
Makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do my friends a favour
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price
Master of the house
Keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve them of a sou or two
Water in the wine
Making up the weight
Picking up thier nik-naks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves the landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus, won't I bleed them in the end
Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passer by to pass him by
Server to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher and lifelong mate
Everybody's good companion
Everybody's chaperone
But lock up your valises
Jesus, won't I skin you to the bone
Enter monsieur
Lay down your load
Unlace your boots and rest from the road
This weighs a tonne
Travel's a curse
But here we strive to lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked 'til I'm satisfied
Food beyond compare
Food beyond belief
Mince it in the mixer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse
Liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges plus some little extras on the side
Charge them for lice
Extra for the mice
2% for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice
There a little cut
3% for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are lots of tricks I know
How it all increases
All the bits and pieces
Jesus, it's amazing how it grows
Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passer by to pass him by
Server to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher and lifelong mate
Everybody's good companion
Give them everything he's got
Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus, what a sorry little lot
I used to dream that I would meet a prince
But God almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
Master of the house
Isn't worth my spit
Comforter, philosopher and lifelong shit
Cunning little brain
Regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature
Landing me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house
Master of the house
Master and a half
Comforter, philosopher
Don't make me laugh
Server to the poor
Butler to the great
Hipocrite and toady and inebriate
Everybody bless the landlord
Everybody bless his spouse
Everybody raise your glass
Raise it up the masters' arse
Everybody raise your glass to the master of the house