Vegas (feat. Steven Booth & Andy Mientus)

A: Dude.
B: Dude.
A: Do you know what we're doing tonight?
B: Yeah. We're seeing Hot Julie.
A: No.
B: We're not seeing Julie?
A: Are you ready?
B: Yes. No.
A: Are you ready?
B: I should brush my teeth, but I'm ready.
A: Are you ready
A: For the single greatest night of your life?
A: Oh.
A: Tonight we're gonna pick up Miguel and drive.
B: Where?
A: Patience! Try to see what I see.
A: I see us driving up the five in a soft-top x-series.
A&B: Cruising through the valley
A: On our way out of Cali.
A: I see In-n-Out burger.
B: Can we stop?
A: Yes. It's a four-hour drive,
A: But it goes fast
A&B: With a double-double animal-style.
A: Then at last, we're in Vegas.
B: What's up, Vegas!
A: We love Vegas.
B: We love you, Vegas!
A: We'll do
A&B: Vegas up the butt!
A: Now we're cruising down the strip
A: With 3-foot margaritas.
B: Can we stop and see Cirque du Soleil?
A: No. Because A: we're not pussies
A: And B: we're not gay.
A: So it's time for porterhouses made by
A&B: Bobby Flay.
B: Miguel scores E and we're trippin for a while
A&B: In style, so true,
A&B: We sipping Johnnie Blue.
A: Ev'ry chick is like "are you the guys from Entourage?"
A&B: And we say gotta go.
A&B: We're heading to the Bellag.
B: With strippers!!
A: Ah yeah.
B: Ah yeah.
A: You da man.
B: You da man.
A: Here we go.
B: Here we go.
A&B: Oh.
A: The casino is calling and the blackjack is hot
B: But you're too pussy-whipped to gamble so it's my jackpot.
B: I'm winning wager after wager.
A: Where's Miguel?
B: I don't know.
A&B: But the house is getting pissed
A&B: So we gotta go.
B: Look, there's Miguel!
B: He's swimming in the Bellagio fountain.
A&B: The cops appear!
A&B: We're outta here
A: 'Cause I know a guy and he's got a helicopter!
A: Who's in Vegas?
B: We're in Vegas!
A: Fuck yeah Vegas!
B: Fuck yeah Vegas!
A: We'll do
A&B: Vegas like your mom.
A: Your mom.
B: Your mom.
A&B: Yeah, like I do your mom.
A: Off the strip, we hit the cathouse from H.B.O.
A: And we bang every hooker in sight.
B: Except you don't.
A: Yeah I do.
B: I bang your hooker too.
B: Can't have your ball and chain getting mad at you.
A: Right.
B: You know?
A: Yeah. But
A&B: What happens in Vegas
A&B: Stays in Vegas
A: Except when it's an STD that you got from two hookers.
B: An STD?
A: Yeah.
A: Sorry man.
B: No, it's cool.
B: So the brothel's getting raided by some mafia don.
B: And he kneecaps you
A: Oh my god!
A: But Miguel is right behind him, and he knocks the dude out.
B: Then we hear a Canadian shout!
A: What?
B: Oh! It's Celine Dion in a fucking moisture bubble
B: And she shoots lasers at Miguel's head.
A: Yeah, yeah, but Miguel's so high that he can't feel pain.
A: He bursts the bubble and she's dead.
B: Well fuck you.
A: Fuck you.
B: I'll fuck your girlfriend too
B: So now we've all got an STD.
A: Ah!
B: It's like she's always around
B: And the one night she's not
B: You go and ruin everything.
A: Dude.
B: What.
A: I think I hear the cops outside.
A: Think you can get a hold of your helicopter friend
A: And get us outta one more bind?
B: Yeah. I can.
A: I always knew I could count on you.
A&B: So we stash the guns, and we case the scene.
A&B: We revive Miguel and we hide Celine.
A&B: One more twist of fate then we hug it out.
A&B: We find a million bucks cuz that's what Vegas is about.
B: We're in Vegas.
A: Fuck you Vegas!
B: We hate Vegas!
A: We hate you Vegas!
A&B: We did Vegas!
A: You realize we didn't leave the apartment.
B: Right but...
A: We're in Vegas.
B: We're in Vegas!
A: We love Vegas.
B: Dude. I really fucked your girlfriend.
A: Vegas.
A&B: Vegas.
A&B: Vegas.