Lady Hyacinth Abroad

HYACINTH: If I'm ever to show my face in society again,
I've got to find a new cause of my own and quickly. Come, come, any ideas?

ENTOURAGE: Daisy Greville has the old. Lady Sitwell has the blind
HYACINTH: And the fund for sailor's widows?

ENTOURAGE: That's the two of them combined

HYACINTH: Nightschool for the nervous?

ENTOURAGE: Lady Beach and Margaret Guest
HYACINTH: Crutches for the crippled?
ENTOURAGE: That was Elsie Ponds' bequest
HYACINTH: Wayward women
ENTOURAGE: Daisy Greville
HYACINTH: Who's behind disfigured men?
ENTOURAGE: Daisy Greville
HYACINTH: And the deaf... don't tell me it's Greville yet again.
Everyone's got something can't you see why I'm bereft.
I want to do some good but what the devil's left?
ENTOURAGE: What the devil's left?
MONTY NAVARRO: If I may your Ladyship, one hears about such terrible poverty in Egypt these days...
HYACINTH: Egypt. Land of the pharaohs and of Moses the Israelite.
Home to the great pyramids and the sphinx.
That's it! We'll populate an orphanage in Cairo, with foundlings from the reeds along the Nile.
To watch a creature grow, to swaddle it and know the joy of its pathetic little smile
ENTOURAGE: It's little smile
HYACINTH: The news will travel soon enough to London

ENTOURAGE: To London
HYACINTH: Our selflessness will meet with great acclaim

ENTOURAGE: Huzzah
HYACINTH: The sniping will be stilled, and the empire will be filled, with homes for bastard children in my name.
All aboard the Luxor express to Cairo.

MONTY: And off she went, what I failed to tell her was that a violent uprising against the empire was imminent
and no british citizen was considered safe, so you can imagine my surprise when
Lady Hyacinth returned to London quite unharmed.

HYACINTH: Oh where will my largesse be truly appreciated,
I need a place so low that hope itself has been abandoned

MONTY: You've heard of course of the untouchables in India.

HYACINTH: India. Land of Hindus and Muslims, of tamarind and saffron. Exotic and unknowable.
That's it! We'll find ourselves some lepers in the Punjab.
The hopeless and the wretched and the cursed. Forgotten and Unblessed
ENTOURAGE: Unblessed

HYACINTH: I'll take them to my breast
ENTOURAGE: Your Breast

HYACINTH: If Daisy Greville doesn't get there first. When we arrive, they'll hobble out to greet us

ENTOURAGE: Hello there

HYACINTH: Their toothless grins would melt a heart of stone

ENTOURAGE: Awww

HYACINTH: And every dilettante, will envy me and want a colony of lepers of her own,
now not a word to even your mothers til we leave although,
come to think of it what is the point of helping others unless you let the whole world know,
call the Times of London.

MONTY: And off she went,
I neglected to mention the malaria pandemic in the Punjab
a bit of insurance in case leprosy itself failed to prove contagious,
so you can imagine my shock when Lady Hyacinth returned to London in record time quite the picture of health.
I don't suppose you'd be willing to penetrate the jungle of deepest darkest Africa...

HYACINTH: Africa. From Zululand to Yoruba, home of proud warriors that naked torsos rippling in the firelight.
We'll civilize a village in the jungle

ENTOURAGE: The Jungle

HYACINTH: It can't take long to learn their mother tongue

ENTOURAGE: Not long then

HYACINTH: The words they have are six and five of them are clicks

ENTOURAGE: Click

HYACINTH: And all of them are different words for dong.
And can't you see their frightful painted faces

ENTOURAGE: Their faces

HYACINTH: They'll teach us how to swing from vine to vine

ENTOURAGE: From vine to vine to vine

HYACINTH: It's Daisy Greville's loss, she'll never come across, a tribe of backward natives worse than mine.
Their may appall us.But even they are part of God's design

ENTOURAGE: Awww

HYACINTH: We bid you all goodbye

ENTOURAGE: Goodbye

HYACINTH: Let all of London try, to find a tribe of natives worse than mine. Charity towards others is divine.
ENTOURAGE: Divine, Divine, Divine, Divine, Charity is Divine.