Alice's Restaurant Massacre

This song is called Alice's Restaurant
It's about Alice
And a restaurant
But Alice's Restaurant is not the name of the restaurant
That's just the name of the song
And that's why I call the song Alice's Restaurant

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
And you can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

Now it all started two Thanksgivings ago
Was on two years ago on Thanksgiving
When my friend and I went up to visit Alice at the restaurant
But, Alice doesn't live in the restaurant
She lives in the church nearby the restaurant in the bell tower
With her husband Ray, and Fasha the dog

And livin' in the bell tower like that they got a lot of room downstairs
Where the pews used to be, and
Havin' all that room
Seein' as how they took out all the pews
They decided that they didn't have to take out their garbage
For a long time

We got up there we found all the garbage in there
And we decided it'd be a friendly gesture
For us to take the garbage down to the city dump
So we took the half a ton of garbage
Put it in the back of a red VW microbus
Took shovels and rakes, and implements of destruction
And headed on toward the city dump

Well we got there
And there's a big sign, and a chain across the dump
Saying, "Closed on Thanksgiving"
And we had never heard of a dump
Closed on Thanksgiving before

And with tears in our eyes
We drove off into the sunset
Looking for another place to put the garbage
We didn't find one

'Til we came to a side road
And off the side of the side road
Was another fifteen-foot cliff
And at the bottom of the cliff was another pile of garbage
And we decided that one big pile is better than two little piles
And rather than bring that one up we decided to throw ours down

That's what we did and
Drove back to the church
Had a Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat
Went to sleep and didn't get up until the next morning
When we got a phone call from officer Obie

He said, "Kid
We found your name on an envelope
At the bottom of a half a ton of garbage and
Just wanted to know if you had any information about it"
And I said, "Yes sir, Officer Obie
I cannot tell a lie
I put that envelope under that garbage"

After speaking to Obie for about 45 minutes on the telephone
We finally arrived at the truth of the matter, and said
That we had to go down and pick up the garbage and
Also had to go down and speak to him at the
Police officer's station

So we got in the red VW microbus
With the shovels and rakes, and implements of destruction
And headed on toward the police officer's station
Now friends
There was only one or two things that Obie coulda done
At the police station

And the first was that he coulda give us a medal
For being so brave and honest on the telephone
Which wasn't very likely, and we didn't expect it
And the other thing was that he coulda bawled us out
And told us never to be seen driving garbage around the vicinity again
Which is what we expected

But when we got to the police officer's station
There was a third possibility that we hadn't even counted upon
And we was both immediately arrested
Handcuffed
And I said, "Obie I don't think
I can pick up the garbage with these handcuffs on"

He said, "Shut up kid
Get in the back of the patrol car"
And that's what we did
Sat in the back of the patrol car
And drove to the quote, scene of the crime, unquote

I wanna tell you about the town of Stockbridge, Massachusetts
Where this happened here
They got three stop signs
Two police officers and one police car
But when we got to the scene of the crime
There was five police officers and three police cars

Being the biggest crime of the last fifty years
And everybody wanted to get in the newspaper story about it
And they was using up all kinds of cop equipment
That they had hanging around the police officer's station
They was taking plaster tire tracks, foot prints
Dog smellin' prints

And they took 27 eight-by-ten color glossy photographs
With circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one
Explaining what each one was to be used as evidence against us
Took pictures of the approach, the getaway
The northwest corner, the southwest corner
And that's not to mention the aerial photography

After the ordeal we went back to the jail
Obie said he was going to put us in the cell
Said, "Kid I'm going to put you in the cell
I want your wallet and your belt"

And I said, "Obie
I can understand you wanting my wallet
So I don't have any money to spend in the cell
But what do you want my belt for?"

And he said, "Kid, we don't want any hangings"
I said, "Obie, did you think I was going to hang myself for littering?"
Obie said he was making sure, and friends Obie was
'Cause he took out the toilet seat
So I couldn't hit myself over the head and drown

And he took out the toilet paper
So I couldn't bend the bars, roll out
The roll the toilet paper out the window
Slide down the roll and have an escape
Obie was making sure
And it was about four or five hours later that Alice
Remember Alice? It's a song about Alice

Alice came by, and with a few nasty words
To Obie on the side, bailed us out of jail
And we went back to the church
Had another Thanksgiving dinner that couldn't be beat
And didn't get up until the next morning
When we all had to go to court

We walked in, sat down
Obie came in
With the 27 eight-by-ten color glossy pictures
With the circles and arrows
And a paragraph on the back of each one
Sat down
Man came in, said, "All rise"

We all stood up
And Obie stood up
With the 27 eight-by-ten color glossy pictures
And the judge walked in
Sat down with a seeing-eye dog
And he sat down, we sat down

Obie looked at the seeing-eye dog
And then at the 27 eight-by-ten color glossy pictures
With the circles and arrows
And a paragraph on the back of each one

And looked at the seeing-eye dog
And then at 27 eight-by-ten color glossy pictures
With the circles and arrows
And a paragraph on the back of each one, and began to cry

'Cause Obie came to the realization
That it was a typical case of American blind justice
And there wasn't nothing he could do about it
And the judge wasn't going to look at
The 27 eight-by-ten color glossy pictures
With the circles and arrows
And a paragraph on the back of each one

Explaining what each one was
To be used as evidence against us
And we was fined 50 dollars
And had to pick up the garbage in the snow
But, that's not what I came to tell you about
Came to talk about the draft

They got a buildin' down New York City
It's called Whitehall Street
Where you walk in
You get injected, inspected, detected, infected, neglected, and selected

I went down to get my physical examination one day
And I walked, in I sat down
Got good and drunk the night before
So I looked and felt my best
When I went in that mornin'

'Cause I wanted to look like the all-American kid
From New York City
Man, I wanted, I wanted to feel like the all-
I wanted to be the all-American kid from New York
And I walked in, sat down
I was hung down, brung down, hung up
And all kindsa mean, nasty, ugly things

And I walked in and sat down
And they gave me a piece of paper
Said, "Kid see the psychiatrist, room 604"
And, and I went up there, I said "Shrink
I wanna kill
I mean, I wanna, I wanna kill

Kill
I wanna, I wanna see
I wanna see blood and gore and guts, and veins in my teeth
Eat dead, burnt bodies
I mean kill
Kill, kill, kill!"

And I started jumpin' up and down yelling, "Kill, kill!"
And he started jumpin' up and down with me
And we was both jumpin' up and down
Yelling, "Kill, kill!"
And the sergeant came over, pinned a medal on me
Sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy"

Didn't feel too good about it
Proceeded on down the hall
Getting' more injections, inspections, detections, neglections
And all kinds of stuff that they was doin' to me
At the thing there
And I was there for two hours, three hours, four hours

I was there for a long time
Going through all kinds of mean nasty ugly things
And I was just having a tough time there
And they was inspecting, injecting every single part of me
And they was leaving no part untouched
Proceeded through and I

When I finally came to the see the very last man
I walked in
Walked in, sat down after a whole big thing there
And I walked up, and said, "What do you want?"
He said, "Kid we only got one question
Have you ever been arrested?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of
Alice's Restaurant Massacre
With full orchestration and five-part harmony
And stuff like that and all the phenome...
"Stop it right there"
And said "Kid, did you ever go to court?"

And I proceeded to tell him the story of
The 27 eight-by-ten color glossy pictures
With the circles and arrows
And a paragraph on the back of each one

And, "Stop it right there", and said "Kid
I want you to go over and sit down on that bench
That says 'Group W'
Now kid!"

And I, I walked over to the, to the bench there
And there is, there is Group W's where they
Where they put you
If you may not be moral enough to
To join the army

After committing your special crime, and
There was all kinds of mean nasty, ugly lookin' people
On the bench there

Mother rapers
Father stabbers
Father rapers!
Father rapers

Sittin' right there on the bench next to me!
And, one-
They was mean and nasty and ugly and horrible
Crime-type guys just sitting there on the bench

And the meanest ugliest nastiest one
The meanest father raper of them all
Was coming over to me
And he was mean 'n' ugly 'n' nasty 'n' horrible
And all kind of things
And he sat down next to me and said
"Kid, whad'ya get?"

I said, "I didn't get nothing
I had to pay 50 dollars, and pick up the garbage"
He said, "What were you arrested for, kid?"
And I said, "Litterin'"
And they all moved away from me on the bench there
And the hairy eyeball, and all kinds of mean nasty things
'Til I said, "And creatin' a nuisance"

And they all came back, shook my hand
And we had a great time on the bench
Talkin' about crime, mother stabbing, father raping
All kinds of groovy things that we was talking about
On the bench
And everything was fine
We was smoking cigarettes and all kinds of things

Until the sergeant came over
Had some paper in his hand
Held it up and said, "Kids
This-piece-of-paper's-got-47-words-37-sentences
58-words-we-wanna-know-details-of-the-crime
Time-of-the-crime-and-any-other-kind-of-thing
You-gotta-say-pertaining-to-and-about-the-crime
I-want-to-know-arresting-officer's-name-and
Any-other-kind-of-thing-you-gotta-say"

And he talked for 45 minutes
And nobody understood a word that he said
But we had fun filling out the forms
And playing with the pencils on the bench there
And I filled out the massacre
With the four-part harmony
And wrote it down there just like it was

And everything was fine
And I put down the pencil
And I turned over the piece of paper
And, and there

There on the other side
In the middle of the other side
Away from everything else on the other side
In parentheses
Capital letters
Quotated
Read the following words

"Kid, have you rehabilitated yourself?"
I went over to the sergeant, and said
"Sergeant, you got a lot a damn gall
To ask me if I've rehabilitated myself I mean

I mean
I mean, I'm just, I'm sitting here on the bench
I mean, I'm sitting here on the Group W bench
'Cause you wanna know if I'm moral enough
To join the army, burn women, kids, houses and villages
After being a litterbug

He looked at me, and said, "Kid
We don't like your kind
And we're gonna send you fingerprints off to Washington"
And friends, somewhere in Washington
Enshrined in some little folder
Is a study in black and white of my fingerprints

And the only reason I'm singing you this song now
Is 'cause you may know somebody in a similar situation
Or you may be in a similar situation
And if you're in a situation like that
There's only one thing you can do
Is walk in to the shrink wherever you are

Just walk in, say "Shrink
You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant"
And walk out
You know if one person, just one person does it
They may think he's really sick and they won't take him

And if two people, two people do it
In harmony
They may think they're both faggots
And they won't take either of them
And if three people do it
Three, can you imagine three people walking in?
Singin' a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out

They may think it's an organization
And can you, can you imagine 50 people a day
I said 50 people a day
Walking in, singin' a bar of Alice's Restaurant, and walking out

And friends, they may think it's a movement
And that's what it is
The Alice's Restaurant Anti-Massacre Movement
And all you got to do to join
Is to sing it the next time it comes around on the guitar
With feelin'

So, we'll wait 'til it comes around on the guitar here
And sing it when it does
Here it comes

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
Walk right in, it's around the back
Just a half a mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant

That was horrible
If you want to end war and stuff you gotta sing loud
I could put a lot...
I been singing this song now for 25 minutes
I could sing it for another 25 minutes
I'm not proud
Or tired

So we'll wait 'til it comes around again and
This time with four-part harmony and feelin'
We're just waitin' for it to come around
Is what we're doing

All right now

You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
Excepting Alice
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
I said walk right in it's around the back

Just a half a mile from the railroad track
And you can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant
Da da da da da da da dum
At Alice's Restaurant