The Adventures Of Greggery Peccary

The adventures of Greggery Peccary

Oh, here comes Greggery
Little Greggery Peccary
The nocturnal gregarious wild swine

A peccary is a little pig with a white collar
That usually hangs around between Texas and Paraguay
Sometimes ranging as far west as Catalina
Catalina, Catalina, Catalina

This particular peccary is part of that bold (bold)
New (new)
Breed (breeding)
That distinguishes itself by markings which resemble a wide tie directly below the white collar

If it's wide enough everyone will know
That the tie I'm wearing is a symbol
Of how nimble my mind will know, ooh-ooh
(Swank suave)

Hoon-hoon, hoonna-han
Hoonna-hoonna

Look out, here he comes again

Oh, here comes Greggery Peccary
Yes it's cravy, cravy, yeah

Every morning Greggery drives his little red Volkswagen to the ugly part of town
Where they keep the government buildings (voodn, voodn)

Boy, it's so hard to find a place to park around here

Greggery Peccary takes the elevator up to the 83rd floor of a grim, gray, evil-looking building with a sign on the front reading

"Big Swifty and associates, trend mongers"

And what, might you ask, is a trend monger?
Well, a trend monger is a person who dreams up a trend like "The Twist" or "Flower Power"
And spreads it throughout the land, using all the frightening little skills that science has made available

And so it was, one fateful morning, Greggery Peccary made his way through the Steno Pool
Hi Mildred
Hello, Gladys
Wanda

Yes, from the moment they laid eyes on him, all the girls in the Big Swifty Steno Pool knew
Here was a nocturnal, gregarious wild swine on his way up
A peccary of destiny, adventure and romance
Is there any mail for me?

Swifty's
This is Big Swifty's
At Big Swifty's we all know-ow-ow
You'll go for any gimmick or gizmo
Wouldn't you rather be involved in a sreies of colorful time-wasting trends?

Air hockey, biff, dush

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Youp-youp-youp-youp

Is your wife snoring by the sink?

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Youp-youp-youp-youp

Ain't your life boring, don't you think?

Youp-youp-youp-youp-youp-youp-youp
Life is so much better when there's some little something to do
Does it matter that this waste of time is what makes a life for you?
Hmm?

I must plummet boldly forward to my ultra-avant laminated, simulated replica-mahogany desk
With the strategically-placed, imported, very hip water pipe, and the latest edition of the Whole Earth Catalog
And rack my agile mind for a spectacular new trend, thereby rejuvenating our limping economy
And providing for bored and miserable people everywhere some great new thing to identify with

We have got the little answers to the things that might bothering you
We have got your little toys
We're busy makin' 'em, busy makin 'em
We're busy makin' 'em, busy makin 'em
Just for you, yoo-hoo-hoo

Highly efficient, Miss Snodgrass

And with that, Greggery turned and strode nonchalantly into his dinky little office with the desk and the catalog and the very hip water pipe
And proceeded, with a vigor and determination known only to piglets of a similarly diminutive proportion, to single-handedly invent the calendar
With his eyes rolled heaven-ward, and his little shiny pig-hoofs on the desk
Greggery ponders the question of eternity and fractional divisions thereof
As mysterious angelic voices sing to him from a great distance
Providing the necessary clues for the construction of this thrilling new trend

(Sunday) Sunday, wow?
Sunday, Saturday
Tuesday through
Monday, Monday

Sunday, Saturday

And thus the calendar, in all of its colorful disguises was presented to the bored and miserable people everywhere
Greggery issued a memo on it, whereupon the entire contents of the Steno Pool identified with it strenuously
And worshipped it as a way of life, and took their little pills by it, and went back 'n forth from work by it
And paid their rent by it, and before long they were even having birthday parties in the office by it
Because now, at last, Greggery Peccary's exciting new invention had made it possible for everyone to find out how old they were
(What hath God wrought?)

Unfortunately, there were some people who simply did not wish to know
And that's why, on his way home from the office one night, Greggery was attacked by a rage of hunchmen

Making his way through the evening traffic
Greggery notices that the other vehicles which crowd and bump his little red car are all inhabited by slowly-aging "very hip young people"
They appear to be casting sinister glances toward him through their glinting acid burn-out eyeballs
Trying to run him off the road or make him bump into something
Giving strong evidence of hostile aggression

To elude them, Greggery takes the short forest exit off the expressway
They zoom after him in all manner of cars, trucks, garishly-painted buses, and motorcycles

Greggery takes a bumpy trail off the main short forest road, which leads him up the side of a famous and conveniently placed mountain
And into a strange cave on the edge of a cliff, not far from a little twisted tree with eyes on it

Meanwhile, the enraged hunchmen (and hunch-women)
Rumble through the short forrest until realizing the little swine has escaped
They decide to park their steaming vehicles in a circular pseudo-wagon train formation
And have a love-in

Under the influence of a fantastic amount of trendy chemical amusement aid
They proceed to perform lewd acts
Rip each other off for small personal possessions
And dance with depraved abandon in the vicinity of a six-foot pile of transistor radios
Each one tuned to a different station

What?

The hunchmen finally expire from exhaustion
And Greggery, who has viewed the proceedings from a safe distance, breathes a sigh of relief
(Phew)
Only to be terrified once again by a roar of immense laughter
(Ho-ho-ho)
Which seems to be rumbling up from the very depths of the cave in which he has hidden his car
(Good Lord, what was that?)
Greggery doesn't realize he has concealed himself inside the very mouth of (ho-ho-ho)
Billy the Mountain (ho-ho-ho)
And, as you all know, whenever Billy laughs, rocks and boulders hack up
And the air for miles around is filled with tons of dust, forming a series of huge brown clouds

Who is making those new brown clouds?
Who is making those clouds these days?
Who is making those new brown clouds?
Better ask a philostopher and see what he says

Greggery stops at a gas station and makes a mysterious phone call

Is this the old loft with the pink peelin' off it
By the Chinese police where the dogs roll by?
Is this where they keep the philostophers now
With the rugs and the dust where the books go to die?

How many yez got, say yez got quite a few
Just sittin' around there with nothin' to do?
Well, I just called yez up 'cause I wanted to see
A philostopher be of assistance to me

Greggery receives information that "The Greatest Living Philostopher Known to Mankind"
Is currently in possession of the very information in question
And, furthermore, this information could be his
If only Greggery would attend a "Special therapeutic assembly"
Classes now forming and available at a special low low introductory fee
And now, here he is, "The Greatest Living Philostopher Known to Mankind"
Quentin Robert DeNameland, take it away

Folks, as you can see for yourself
The way this clock over here is behaving, time is of affliction
Now this might be cause for alarm among a portion of you, as, from a certain experience
I tend to proclaim "The eons are closing"

Make your checks payable to "Quentin Robert DeNameland
Greatest Living Philostopher Known to Mankind"

Who is making those new brown clouds?
Who is making those clouds these days?
Who is making those new brown clouds?
If you ask a philostopher, he'll see that you pays