You Just Can't

As we slide down the razor blade of life these days,
In many ways the malaise of modern life betrays
The many wonders that abound and in equal ways confound
There's so much a chap can do that needn't cost a pound
One can natter to a flapper down under As a matter of course until one's hoarse
Or call any resource
One can fly off to the colonies for gentlemanly bonhomie
But if the colonials bother me I can order up a bombing spree Theatrical productions at the mere push of a button
Or simply move your house if you don't want to live in Sutton These days one can do just what one pleases
(Buy exotic cheeses, catch exotic diseases)
Enough pornography on tap to fairly kill a chap
But do take heed because it all could be a trap
I can tell by the gormless grin on your face
That you think the modern world is a wonderful, wonderful place But you just...

Can't rape a goat these days
You'll have the authorities at your throat
You just can't rape a goat these days
You'll be in trouble in so many ways
Confuse a billy or a nanny
For a willy or a fanny
And you'll have the local papers in a rage (Can't rape a goat these days
If the public note what you did to that goat
You'll have the authorities at your throat
You just can't rape a goat these days
You'll be in trouble in so many ways
Confuse a billy or a nanny
For a willy or a fanny
And you'll have the local papers in a rage)

These days dirty little secrets never last
Now that privacy is a thing of the past
The merest misdemeanour can be seen upon a screen
Where people know what you have done
And they know where you have been
A fart or a log will be part of a blog
Before your hands are washed and you emerge from the fog The cogs of the machine force one to keep it clean
(Watch your step when you strap on the naughty trampoline) Freedom of speech is not freedom of expression
When the line's been breached you should learn a lesson
When the farmer come with his big shotgun then run
Because you just...
Can't rape a goat these days
You'll have the authorities at your throat
You just can't rape a goat these days
You'll be in trouble in so many ways
Confuse a billy or a nanny
For a willy or a fanny
And you'll have the local papers in a rage (Can't rape a goat these days
If the public note what you did to that goat
You'll have the authorities at your throat
You just can't rape a goat these days
You'll be in trouble in so many ways
Confuse a billy or a nanny
For a willy or a fanny
And you'll have the local papers in a rage)
Now that privacy's gone you'd better keep your schlong Inside the members of the human race