Uneasy Rider

I was taking a trip out to LA, tooling along in my Chevrolet
Tokin' on a number and diggin' on the radio
Just as I crossed the Mississippi line, I heard that highway start to whine
And I knew that left rear tire was about to go

Well, the spare was flat, and I got uptight
'Cause there wasn't a filling station in sight
So I just limped on down the shoulder on the rim
I went as far as I could, and when I stopped the car
It was right in front of this little bar
Kind of a redneck-lookin' joint called the Dew Drop Inn

Well, I stuffed my hair up under my hat
And told the bartender that I had a flat
And would he be kind enough to give me change for a one?
Well, there was one thing I was sure proud to see
There wasn't a soul in the place 'cept for him and me
And he just looked disgusted and pointed toward the telephone

I called up a station down the road a way, and he said he wasn't very busy today
And he could have somebody there in just about ten minutes or so
He said, "Now, you just stay right where yer at"
And I didn't bother to tell the darn fool
That I sure as hell didn't have anyplace else to go

I just ordered up a beer and sat down at the bar
When some guy walked in and said, "Who owns this car
With the peace sign, and the mag wheels, and four on the floor?"
Well, he looked at me and I damn near died, and I decided that I'd just wait outside
So I laid a dollar on the bar and headed for the door

Just when I thought I'd get out of there with my skin
These five big dudes come strollin' in
With this one old drunk chick and some fella with green teeth
And I was almost to the door, when the biggest one said
"You tip your hat to this lady, son"
And when I did, all that hair fell out from underneath

Now the last thing I wanted was to get into a fight
In Jackson, Mississippi on a Saturday night
Especially when there was three of them and only one of me
But they all started laughing, and I felt kinda sick
And I knew I better think of somethin' pretty quick
So I just reached out and kicked ol' green teeth right in the knee

Now he let out a yell that'd curl your hair
But before he could move, I grabbed me a chair and said
"Watch him, folks, 'cause he's a thoroughly dangerous man"
"You may not know it, but this man is a spy, he's an undercover agent for the FBI
And he's been sent down here to infiltrate the Ku Klux Klan"

He was still bent over, holding on to his knee
But everybody else was looking and listening to me
And I laid it on thicker and heavier as I went
I said, "Would you believe this man has gone as far
As tearing Wallace stickers off the bumpers of cars
And he voted for George McGovern for President"

Well, he's a friend of them long haired hippy-type, pinko fags
I bet you he's even got a commie flag
Tacked up on the wall inside of his garage
He's a snake in the grass, I tell you, guys
He may look dumb, but that's just a disguise
He's a mastermind in the ways of espionage"

They all started looking real suspicious at him
And he jumped up and said, "Now just wait a minute Jim
You know he's lying, I been living here all of my life
I'm a faithful follower of Brother John Birch
And I belong to the Antioch Baptist Church
And I ain't even got a garage, you can call home and ask my wife"

Then he started saying somethin' 'bout the way I was dressed
But I didn't wait around to hear the rest
I was too busy moving and hoping I didn't run out of luck
And when I hit the ground, I was making tracks
And they were just taking my car down off the jacks
So I threw the man a twenty and jumped in and fired that mother up

Mario Andretti would've sure been proud
Of the way I was moving when I passed that crowd
Coming out the door and headed toward me in a trot
And I guess I should've gone ahead and run
But somehow I just couldn't resist the fun
Of chasing them all just once around the parking lot

Well, they headed for their car, but I hit the gas
And spun around and headed them off at the pass
I was slinging gravel and puttin' a ton of dust in the air
I had them all out there stepping and fetching
Like their heads were on fire and their asses was catching
But I figured I had better go ahead and split before the cops got there

When I hit the road, I was really wheeling
Had gravel flying and rubber squealing
And I didn't slow down 'til I was almost to Arkansas
Well, I think I'm gonna reroute my trip
I wonder if anybody'd think I'd flipped
If I went to LA via Omaha