Getting Married Today

Bless this day
Pinnacle of life
Husband joined to wife
The heart leaps up to behold
This golden day

Baby, I can't find my shoes

Today is for Amy
Amy, I give you the rest of my life
To cherish and to keep you
To honor you forever
Today is for Amy
My, happily, soon-to-be wife

Pardon me, is everybody here?
Because if everybody's here
I'd like to thank you all
For coming to the wedding
I'd appreciate you going even more
I mean, you must have lots of better things to do
And not a word of it to Paul

Remember Paul? You know, the man I'm going to marry
But I'm not, because I wouldn't ruin anything
As wonderful as he is, but I
Thank you all for the gifts and the flowers
Thank you all, now it's back to the showers
Don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today

Bless this day
Tragedy of life
Husband yoked to wife
The heart sinks down and feels dead
This dreadful day

Amy, Paul can't find his good cuff links
They are on the dresser, right next to my suicide note

Listen everybody, look, I don't know what you're waiting for
A wedding, what's a wedding? It's a prehistoric ritual
Where everybody promises fidelity forever
Which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard of
Which is followed by a honeymoon, where suddenly he'll realize
He's settled with a nut, and want to kill me, which he should

Thanks a bunch, but I'm not getting married
Go have lunch, 'cause I'm not getting married
You've been grand, but I'm not getting married
Don't just stand there, I'm not getting married
And don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today

Go! Can't you go? Why is nobody listening?
Goodbye! Go and cry at another person's wake
If you're quick, for a kick you could pick up a christening
But please, on my knees there's a human life at stake!

Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear
Or do you want to see a crazy lady fall apart in front of you?
It isn't only Paul who would be ruining his life
You know, we'll both of us be losing our identities
I telephoned my analyst about it, and he said to see him Monday
But by Monday I'll be floating in the Hudson with the other garbage

I'm not well, so I'm not getting married
You've been swell, but I'm not getting married
Clear the hall, 'cause I'm not getting married
Thank you all, but I'm not getting married
And don't tell Paul, but I'm not getting married today

Bless this bride
Totally insane
Slipping down the drain
And bless this day in our hearts
As it starts to rain

Today is for Amy (go! Can't you go?)
Look, you know I adore you all (Amy, I give you)
But why watch me die (the rest of my life) like Eliza on the ice?
Look, perhaps I'll collapse (to cherish and to keep)
In the apse right before you all
So take back the cake (to honor you forever)
Burn the shoes, and boil the rice

Look, I didn't want to have to tell you (today is for Amy)
But I may be coming down with hepatitis (my, happily, soon-to-be wife)
I think I'm gonna faint
So if you wanna see me faint, I'll do it happily
But wouldn't it be funnier to go and watch a funeral? (My adorable wife)
So thank you for the 27 dinner plates
37 butter knives, 47 paperweights, 57 candleholders

One more thing (I'm not getting married)
Amen! (Softly said) but I'm not getting married
Amen! (With this ring) still, I'm not getting married!
Amen! (I thee wed) still, I'm not getting married!
Amen! Let us pray that we are not getting married today!