Mame: Bosom Buddies

We'll always be bosom buddies,
Friends, sisters and pals;
We'll always be bosom buddies,
If life should reject you,
There's me to protect you.
If I say that your tongue is vicious,
If I call you uncouth;

It's simply that who else but a bosom buddy
Will sit down and tell you the truth.
Tho' now and again I'm aware that my candid opinion may sting,
Tho' often my frank observation might scald;
I've been meanin' to tell you for years
You should keep your hair natural like mine.
If I kept my hair natural like yours, I'd be bald.
But darling,

We'll always be dear companions,
My crony,
My mate;

We'll always be harmonizing,
Orphan Annie and Sandy,

Like Amos and Andy.
If I say that your sense of style's as far as off as your youth;
It's simply that who else but a bosom buddy
Will tell you the whole stinkin' truth.
Each time that a critic has written, "Your voice is the voice of a frog!"
Straight to your side to defend you I rush;
You know that I'm there ev'ry time that the world makes and unkind
remark.
When they say "Vera Charles is the world's greatest lush!"
It hurts me!
And if I say your fangs are showing,
Mame, pull in your claws,
It's simply that who else but a bosom buddy
Will notice the obvious flaws!
I feel it's my duty to tell you it's time to adjust to your age;
You try to be "Peg O' My Heart", when you're "Lady Macbeth."
Exactly how old are you, Vera? The truth!
Well, how old do you think?
I'd say somewhere in between forty and the death!

But sweetie,
I'll always be Alice Toklas,
If you'll be Gertrude Stein.
And tho' I'll admit I've dished you,
I've gossiped and gloated,
But I'm so devoted.
And if I say that sex and guts made you into a star,
It's simply that who else but a bosom buddy
Will tell you how rotten you are.

Just turn your bosom buddy
For aid and affection,
For help and direction,
For loyalty, love and for sooth!
Remember that who else but a bosom buddy
Will sit down and level
And give you the devil,
Will sit down and tell you the truth!